Tuesday, April 29, 2008

since when?

The Rules
  • Link to your tagger and post these rules.
  • List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
  • Tag eight people at the end of this post and list their names.
  • Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving them a comment on their blogs.

So, EIGHT (8) random facts about me..

  • im skipping class (which i always do, everyday, every week, every month. who doesnt?)
  • have been listening to ost one litre of tears - only human for hundreds of time for these few days
  • am hating some people's attitude : cakap xserupa bikin. they always complain about their life but they do nothing to improve it. rasa mok gila jak dengar cdak ngerepak!! dont complain la wey if u dont want to do anything about it. seriously la
  • hungry every 2hours.
  • sleep a lot lately. last sunday, i woke up at 1pm and slept some more at 4pm. i was awake for only 3 hours during the daylight! ah, but sleeping is a bliss, no?
  • answer calls, reply sms whenever i want to, which is seldom (for some people, for some reasons) -not u, aziz
  • im totally (for most part) over it. the hicom thing.
  • im totally (for most part) over it. the hicom thing.
  • im totally (for most part) over it. the hicom thing.
  • im totally (for most part) over it. the hicom thing.
  • im totally (for most part) over it. the hicom thing.
  • i can be a heartless person sometimes. no, make it, most of the times.
  • yes, im totally over over over over it.
  • and im totally losing it.
  • oh yea?
  • yeah, i think so.
  • oh, its more than 8 random facts already
tagging : dena, raula, abg paan, azmi, jae, nora, pyah, helmi, kak jaja, vee, syara, ned, alin, kak deza and anyone else who wants to do this.

anyway..


im watching reruns of one litre no namida (one litre of tears). wuu.. sedih doe. believe me, u'll cry watching every episodes (exception to those who dont watch japan series).

dahla.

Friday, April 25, 2008

you have no idea


what would u do, if the time has finally come for u to get what u have always wanted (since 2 years back) but u didnt get it? if u were given the hope of getting it, but in the end u didnt get it instead u are reduced to nothing? and knowing that its the last chance for you to get it, knowing that at that time your hope of getting it is already bigger than ur heart. u wanted it more than everything and yet the hope was crushed in front of ur very eyes.

long story short, ive been wanting to be a part of the high committees of this club, UCITY (stands for UTP Civil Engineering Student Society) so i attended an interview session and ive been shortlisted to be one of the candidates running for the treasurer post. but at the meeting during selection last night i didnt get selected, they have a very peculiar way of choosing the hicoms; letting everyone to vote on who gets to be the president, the vice, the secretary and the fuck treasurer. most of the people who came for voting are not from my batch or my class or wherever fuck theyre from, so obviously people wont choose who they dont know la to be their leader, i admit even i myself wont choose someone who i dont know.

at first i blamed it on everyone, everything for what had happened. i blamed my classmates for not coming and supporting me, i blamed the people for having a cruel system on choosing the hicoms, i blamed everyone for my failure and most of all i blamed myself for giving in on hope.

being myself, i quickly throw away the thoughts bcoz i think it is really selfish to blame anyone for this bcoz this is what I wanted, its not what THEY wanted, so why do they have to give a damn? and being myself, after the failure, i felt so crushed, but i pretended on being okay with it, smiling and laughing with my friend until i wanted to puke and vomit. yeah, u read this right, i hate hypocrites, but im a good hypocrite myself. i even managed to lie to myself that i really was feeling fine for a moment lol.

luckily i dont get to stay there very long, bcoz the energy was drained out of me slowly i was scared that i dont have more energy to pretend anymore and to smile like i always do, bcoz if i act like what i really felt people would feel sorry for me and i hate that, i hate the way people look at you and the look in their eyes when they feel sorry for you; what i saw in their eyes are like oh-im-so-sorry-for-you-being-a-loser.

yeah, they dont need to do that, i feel like a loser already.

after the whole thing was over, me and sayang went out, bcoz i can already feel the tension like something is going to snap inside of me.

seriously, i almost thought i was already feeling fine what with sayang around me but then he hugged me knowing that i was not fine eventhough i looked fine. i suddenly burst into tears, it seemed like i cant handle the disappointment, i felt like dying, i felt like running away, i felt all the horrible feelings people have ever felt. ive never felt so horrible ever since after the time when i broke up with aziz, it was like the nitemare repeated itself for the second time only this time i lost what is never mine, i felt like such a loser, i felt like i cant face the whole UTP again.

it was 3 am when i got back to my room, i already took more than a couple of pills and tried to sleep after that but i couldnt. the whole thing kept on repeating itself over and over, and the voice in my head kept on saying 'wani is a loser.. a loser.. a loser.....' i thought im going crazy and took some more of the pills until in the end i can sleep. slept like a baby anyway bcoz i woke up at 1pm the next day.

u people might be thinking, whats the big deal with being a hicom anyway?

whats the big deal...?? whats the big deal u say...???? of course it is a very big deal for me bcoz its what i wanted since u guys are ever born into the world!!!! at least, it was, up until the time that i was not chosen...... i was not even chose to be the executive committees, sheesh, i was chosen to be a nobody only.

dont get me wrong, i feel better already tho i can still hear the mad voice saying that im a loser at times until i feel like throwing the things that i was holding. i know i'll get over it completely over time, i just dont feel like facing life right now, i hope people understand; tho there's only slight chance that they would understand. whatever. i already closed my heart from hope (u will never get thru again, hope!!)

i know what are you guys thinking.. im fucking fine already okay??

okla seriously, i think i really am going crazy....

yeap, im done here. let me crawl back under the duvet where no one and nothing can hurt me anymore...

p/s : im grateful for my friends and loved ones nonetheless for never giving up on me. huhu

ok, really done.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

you have no idea


what would u do, if the time has finally come for u to get what u have always wanted (since 2 years back) but u didnt get it? if u were given the hope of getting it, but in the end u didnt get it instead u are reduced to nothing? and knowing that its the last chance for you to get it, knowing that at that time your hope of getting it is already bigger than ur heart. u wanted it more than everything and yet the hope was crushed in front of ur very eyes.

long story short, ive been wanting to be a part of the high committees of this club, UCITY (stands for UTP Civil Engineering Student Society) so i attended an interview session and ive been shortlisted to be one of the candidates running for the treasurer post. but at the meeting during selection last night i didnt get selected, they have a very peculiar way of choosing the hicoms; letting everyone to vote on who gets to be the president, the vice, the secretary and the fuck treasurer. most of the people who came for voting are not from my batch or my class or wherever fuck theyre from, so obviously people wont choose who they dont know la to be their leader, i admit even i myself wont choose someone who i dont know.

at first i blamed it on everyone, everything for what had happened. i blamed my classmates for not coming and supporting me, i blamed the people for having a cruel system on choosing the hicoms, i blamed everyone for my failure and most of all i blamed myself for giving in on hope.

being myself, i quickly throw away the thoughts bcoz i think it is really selfish to blame anyone for this bcoz this is what I wanted, its not what THEY wanted, so why do they have to give a damn? and being myself, after the failure, i felt so crushed, but i pretended on being okay with it, smiling and laughing with my friend until i wanted to puke and vomit. yeah, u read this right, i hate hypocrites, but im a good hypocrite myself. i even managed to lie to myself that i really was feeling fine for a moment lol.

luckily i dont get to stay there very long, bcoz the energy was drained out of me slowly i was scared that i dont have more energy to pretend anymore and to smile like i always do, bcoz if i act like what i really felt people would feel sorry for me and i hate that, i hate the way people look at you and the look in their eyes when they feel sorry for you; what i saw in their eyes are like oh-im-so-sorry-for-you-being-a-loser.

yeah, they dont need to do that, i feel like a loser already.

after the whole thing was over, me and sayang went out, bcoz i can already feel the tension like something is going to snap inside of me.

seriously, i almost thought i was already feeling fine what with sayang around me but then he hugged me knowing that i was not fine eventhough i looked fine. i suddenly burst into tears, it seemed like i cant handle the disappointment, i felt like dying, i felt like running away, i felt all the horrible feelings people have ever felt. ive never felt so horrible ever since after the time when i broke up with aziz, it was like the nitemare repeated itself for the second only this time i lost what is never mine, i felt like such a loser, i felt like i cant face the whole UTP again.

it was 3 am when i got back to my room, i already took more than a couple of pills and tried to sleep after that but i couldnt. the whole thing kept on repeating itself over and over, and the voice in my head kept on saying 'wani is a loser.. a loser.. a loser.....' i thought im going crazy and took some more of the pills until in the end i can sleep. slept like a baby anyway bcoz i woke up at 1pm the next day.

u people might be thinking, whats the big deal with being a hicom anyway?

whats the big deal...?? whats the big deal u say...???? of course it is a very big deal for me bcoz its what i wanted since u guys are ever born into the world!!!! at least, it was, up until the time that i was not chosen...... i was not even chosed to be the executive committees, sheesh, i was chosen to be a nobody only.

dont get me wrong, i feel better already tho i can still hear the mad voice saying that im a loser at times until i feel like throwing the things that i was holding. i know i'll get over it completely over time, i just dont feel like facing life right now, i hope people understand; tho there's only slight chance that they would understand. whatever. i already closed back my heart from hope (u will never get thru again, hope!!)

i know what are you guys thinking.. im fucking fine already okay??

okla seriously, i think i really am going crazy....

yeap, im done here. let me crawl back under the duvet where no one and nothing can hurt me anymore...

hehe

i found these from a friend's blog :

1. We have the second largest
Internati onal airport in Malaysia.
While others might not even have any.
We have FIVE major airports, while
others might not have one.

2. Car fuel is the cheapest here.

3. We have two official cities, Kuching
and Miri and soon Sibu, while other
states might only have a town.

4. We are still the main reason why
tourists come to Malaysia, for our Mulu
Caves.
5. Two out of the popular singers based
at Taiwan are from Sarawak(Nicholas Teo
and Lim Yu Zhong) (not to mention Jason
Lo from hitz.fm)

6. The whole of Brunei does not
envy Malaysia. They envy Sarawak.

7. The most air travelers in Malaysia
are from Sarawak. Almost all
Sarawakians have at least traveled
once or twice with airplane, compared
to the west Malaysians.

8 . We have our own daily newspaper:
namely Sarawak Tribune, Borneo Post and
International Times.

9. Everytime there's a reality show,
our contestants always reach respectful
levels .

10. We live in harmony, not just with
Malay, Indian and Chinese, but also
with Iban , Bidayuh, Melanau, Kelabit
etc. The term Sarawak truly Asia is
more like it.

1 1.First 'Amazing Race' ever was held
in Kuching, Sarawak.

12. Most of us Sarawakians speak at
least 4 different languages.

13 . MAS CEO from Sarawak, Sin Chiew
daily news'(the biggest newspaper
company in Malaysia) founder is from
Sarawak.

14. Sarawak Laksa!!!! Kolo Mee!!!

cuba pdh ngn aku sapa gk yg xbangga jd biak srwk!! yah. aok la wpun aku xpure blood srwk tp aku msh bangga jd srwkian. seumur idup diam rah srwk. wuu. i miss kuching!!

bah klk update gk tgh angol tok sbenanya. bye.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

everything changes

to anyone; who find themselves still unable to mend their broken heart

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

taken from; everything changes - staind

it doesnt matter anymore

they say pictures are worth a thousand words.





Monday, April 14, 2008

my weakness is you


i feel like cutting myself. i feel like cutting my hair.

SHOULD I?
SHOULD I?
SHOULD I?
SHOULD I?
SHOULD I?

aaaaaarrrrggggghhh!! the thing up there is supposed to be from smallest font to largest but it turns out all wrong which i guess mayb bcoz blogger is bodoeeeeee.

Friday, April 11, 2008

hampa

i dont think about him anymore but every now and then he'll come into my thoughts subconciously, without me realizing it.

i dont think about him anymore but i dreamt about him everynite.

i dont think about him anymore but i found myself missing him.

i dont think about him anymore but i found myself asking about him to other people.

this seriously has reached to a dangerous level, i cant even control it anymore. i have to get rid of this disease!!

i love my boyfriend. i DO. its just that i have to get him out of my system completely... somehow.

how i spend my time before math class




Your Personality Is Like Alcohol



You're the life of the party, a total flirt, and probably a pretty big jokester.

Sometimes your behavior gets you in trouble, but you still remain socially acceptable.

You're a pretty bad driver, and you're dancing could also use a little work!



At your best: You are uninhibited, funny, and relaxed.



What people like about being around you: You're friendly, welcoming, and easy to talk to.



What people dislike about being around you: You're a little sloppy and careless.



How addicted people get to you: A fair amount, though they tend to deny it.






How You Live Your Life



You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You say whatever is on your mind. Other people's reactions don't phase you.

You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.

Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.






Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde



You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.

You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.

Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.

You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

Monday, April 7, 2008

im not complaining, but-

me taking painkillers is more regular than u changing ur underwear everyday.

is there more to life than this?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

bite the dust

u know what. sometimes i wish i hadnt given up smoking.

anything but this

for once, i want to do the right thing. i may not being fair to myself but i would rather hurt myself than seeing anyone hurt by me (again). for the umpteenth time i decided to let it be. anyway, what more damage can i do to myself? im used to it. so this is the last time im gonna talk or even think about this. im not going to think about it anymore!! (a not so effective way of convincing self)

im still homesick more than ever. i cant find solace here in utp. if i can just run away and be free from all of this! im sick of UTP!! im sick of the same routines everyday same people same surrounding same shit!! and im sick of being sick! im sick of keeping it all to myself!

but i cant do anything about it.

i know, i somehow deserve all of this.