what would u do, if the time has finally come for u to get what u have always wanted (since 2 years back) but u didnt get it? if u were given the hope of getting it, but in the end u didnt get it instead u are reduced to nothing? and knowing that its the last chance for you to get it, knowing that at that time your hope of getting it is already bigger than ur heart. u wanted it more than everything and yet the hope was crushed in front of ur very eyes.
long story short, ive been wanting to be a part of the high committees of this club, UCITY (stands for UTP Civil Engineering Student Society) so i attended an interview session and ive been shortlisted to be one of the candidates running for the treasurer post. but at the meeting during selection last night i didnt get selected, they have a very peculiar way of choosing the hicoms; letting everyone to vote on who gets to be the president, the vice, the secretary and the fuck treasurer. most of the people who came for voting are not from my batch or my class or wherever fuck theyre from, so obviously people wont choose who they dont know la to be their leader, i admit even i myself wont choose someone who i dont know.
at first i blamed it on everyone, everything for what had happened. i blamed my classmates for not coming and supporting me, i blamed the people for having a cruel system on choosing the hicoms, i blamed everyone for my failure and most of all i blamed myself for giving in on hope.
being myself, i quickly throw away the thoughts bcoz i think it is really selfish to blame anyone for this bcoz this is what I wanted, its not what THEY wanted, so why do they have to give a damn? and being myself, after the failure, i felt so crushed, but i pretended on being okay with it, smiling and laughing with my friend until i wanted to puke and vomit. yeah, u read this right, i hate hypocrites, but im a good hypocrite myself. i even managed to lie to myself that i really was feeling fine for a moment lol.
luckily i dont get to stay there very long, bcoz the energy was drained out of me slowly i was scared that i dont have more energy to pretend anymore and to smile like i always do, bcoz if i act like what i really felt people would feel sorry for me and i hate that, i hate the way people look at you and the look in their eyes when they feel sorry for you; what i saw in their eyes are like oh-im-so-sorry-for-you-being-a-loser.
yeah, they dont need to do that, i feel like a loser already.
after the whole thing was over, me and sayang went out, bcoz i can already feel the tension like something is going to snap inside of me.
seriously, i almost thought i was already feeling fine what with sayang around me but then he hugged me knowing that i was not fine eventhough i looked fine. i suddenly burst into tears, it seemed like i cant handle the disappointment, i felt like dying, i felt like running away, i felt all the horrible feelings people have ever felt. ive never felt so horrible ever since after the time when i broke up with aziz, it was like the nitemare repeated itself for the second time only this time i lost what is never mine, i felt like such a loser, i felt like i cant face the whole UTP again.
it was 3 am when i got back to my room, i already took more than a couple of pills and tried to sleep after that but i couldnt. the whole thing kept on repeating itself over and over, and the voice in my head kept on saying 'wani is a loser.. a loser.. a loser.....' i thought im going crazy and took some more of the pills until in the end i can sleep. slept like a baby anyway bcoz i woke up at 1pm the next day.
u people might be thinking, whats the big deal with being a hicom anyway?
whats the big deal...?? whats the big deal u say...???? of course it is a very big deal for me bcoz its what i wanted since u guys are ever born into the world!!!! at least, it was, up until the time that i was not chosen...... i was not even chose to be the executive committees, sheesh, i was chosen to be a nobody only.
dont get me wrong, i feel better already tho i can still hear the mad voice saying that im a loser at times until i feel like throwing the things that i was holding. i know i'll get over it completely over time, i just dont feel like facing life right now, i hope people understand; tho there's only slight chance that they would understand. whatever. i already closed my heart from hope (u will never get thru again, hope!!)
i know what are you guys thinking.. im fucking fine already okay??
okla seriously, i think i really am going crazy....
yeap, im done here. let me crawl back under the duvet where no one and nothing can hurt me anymore...
p/s : im grateful for my friends and loved ones nonetheless for never giving up on me. huhu
ok, really done.
