pretense

just came back from shah alam last night.

no one warned about how i will feel emotionally drained and battered a few hours later. the thing that is not supposed to happen, happened, again, for the 2nd time. it hurts so much and i dont even know how to express it in the first place :( this is so not me

GAHHH!! get me out of here please!

bila rasaku ini rasamu

cute aint it? i think this picture represents me. haha. :) unfortunately, from what i heard, boys find it suffocating to be loved unconditionally :(

i heard that a friend of a friend had recently died because of lung cancer. i didnt know her but i feel sad all the same knowing that the girl died at a young age (she's 20). she was a student from mrsm langkawi and from what i read in her blog (im not stalking her) she had so much ahead of her and she was so brave to handle her sickness and believed that she will get well, but Allah loves her more..all of this makes me feel silly because seeing a person like her didnt immediately crawl under her blanket and spend her last living moment under the blanket crying (if it wouldve been me i would do that :P) while here i am getting depressed over nothing. sigh. and she just suffered for a short period of time because she was only diagnosed for the cancer earlier this year.

...it makes me wonder, how are her parents feeling right now, losing their only child (again, no, im not stalking her, just call me curious, there's just something about reading a dead person's blog) and her besties, imagine how they are feeling right now.. so sad wawawa.. i cant even imagine the possibilities of losing my loved ones, it hurts you know.

and it made me realize that i have to treasure my life more, appreciate the surroundings more, and remember Allah always. and also appreciate my loved ones more. teehee :)

btw, i found this from a friend's blog and tried the quiz and it turned out that im a hulk! fuh. no wonder i turned into quite a monster when im angry. maybe bcoz i answered yes for the question "do you get angry easily?".

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk 60% Superman 55% Spider-Man 55% Supergirl 50% Robin 50% The Flash 50% Green Lantern 45% Wonder Woman 40% Catwoman 40% Iron Man 40% Batman 30%

You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

okay.. ive a confession to make;

to be honest, ive started wearing tudung full time during the fasting month. its something that i didnt mention to people or in blog up until now. all of my friends in utp were glad of the good change but i dont know why, i feel ashamed to show up in front of my friends in Kuching after i wear tudung, its not like before this i was not wearing tudung its just that i dont wear tudung consistently. i was afraid that they would mock me for wearing tudung... (which explains why i have not uploaded any of my raya piccies) and my assumptions are true, u see, a friend posted a comment in my facebook and obviously by the tone of it he was mocking me. there's even a srwkian friend in utp said "since when u wear tudung huh?" hu :( (this is what i was trying to tell you dena, but i dont know how)

and and and by wearing tudung i feel like i dont fit with the others (friends in Kuching) and i feel less pretty because i dont know how to dress stylishly, see, and when i wear tudung my clothes are restricted to jeans and shirts only and sometimes blouses if i have the effort to be in uncomfortable blouses for hours and hours :( i know it has nothing to do with me wearing tudung... but but.. its been quite a while that ive been feeling like this, im such a bum, am i? :P not to mention that i dont feel comfortable wearing tudung bcoz i feel less carefree cannot be much of a tomboy, have to act like a lady etc etc. but when i wear tudung, it makes my loved ones happy and also about the religion thing, teehee and thats what really matters :)

but im still afraid to meet my friends later on..... huk2

you must be thinking, silly girl to think of such things, or she thinks too much la. huhuhuhu but how am i supposed to do? aaaa......

and takut bah when i remembered the girl with the lung cancer coz it reminds me that we can die anytime. i just dont wanna die yet.... i havent done enough deeds and i have so many sins that im sure i'll be placed in the 7th ring of hell if i die now. huhuhu~~~

omg, its 235 am already (blogspot clock is set wrongly), enough with the craps and i need to get some sleep. so; nite peeps!

dont let it burn, dont let it fade

you know im such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your fingers
do you have to let it linger?

his smell is so addictive and everytime i smell a whiff of his shirt or his hair i melt like like like.. i dunno...... but thats not the point. the point is, we often had a fight and the same thing happened over and over again and when he said he's sorry i realized that i deep in my heart i know it wont be the last time. SIGH!!!!!!

life is so hectic right now i can barely take a break and stop to look around at what really matters.

and our Transportation lecturer is certainly out of his mind because he gave us 4 assignments and a lab report (all in one day) to be submitted within these 2 weeks.

sometimes i feel like i dont have enough air to breathe and i have to inhale deeper just so that i wont feel suffocated (literally). mayb all those feelings that ive kept by myself has moved to my nostrils blocking my nose (what the hell? haha)

honestly, im not fine and i dont think i will be for these few days. an apology or just seeing him or touching his face or sleep for the whole day or eat as much as i want just dont cut it anymore.

okla bye.

**updated : apparentlyyyy ALL of our lecturers are out of their mind because they seem to have the idea that there are 30 days next week so they gave us assignments, tests, and projects all to be submitted or done by next week. HOW FUN IS IT EH?!!!

nyee

cheating in test? kids nowadays.... tsk tsk tsk :P

tell me its not true

when i applied for utp no one warned me about how i will be having lack of sleep (ok, mayb this is not really true), how 24 hours a day is not enough, and how i will have no life at all.

it doesnt matter

things had been fine lately, except when there were times when i feel like someone else is making me happy more than boyfriend but thats not the point i was just being selfish and unfair thats all. teehee

i realized that ive been thinking too much. about anything, everything. thats why ive been kinda dramatic sometimes.... okla... emo la however u put it. the problem is i cant stop it. the thinking, i mean. i think of stuffs before i went to sleep, when im in the toilet, in class when i cant concentrate or when i walk alone, or whenever there is time to think. its good when you think about how to concentrate on your studies, or how to make your parents happy, or your boyfriend happy, but mine is the opposite. i think about why cant i be cleverer than i am now that im more hardworking than i was (i guess), why is a computer game so important to my boyfriend sometimes more important than me, how to save more money and eat less and about the scandals in the class (haha) and etc etc...

i think of mundane stuffs, the things that u shud not worry about coz there are bigger stuffs that i should be worried about but still that doesnt stop me from thinking. i had been thinking of taking lobotomy too, haha which is so ridiculous i know, but what else is there to stop this... disease? is this normal? or is it just me? or im just a paranoid girl with issues? more like mental issues i guess. hah.

whatever it is i feel like im on a rollercoaster ride, you know? i dont know how to elaborate it much further u figure out yourself.

oh about the test that i wrote about the other day? that night, i ended up closing the book with the same page that i opened earlier and went to sleep. the next day i went to the test totally unprepared, its like you are about to plunge into the deep sea with no safety jackets or whatsoever to save you but you cant do anything anymore now that you're about to jump already and you know you're about to die.........

well, the good thing is i didnt die in fact i was quite happy after the test despite the fact that im going to flunk it eventho the test was an open book test, the text book were not much of a help at all i felt like throwing the book to the floor and scream cibai!!!!!! but i know thats not going to help me get good grades so i just shut up and dealt with it anyhow.

and the reason i was not able to study for the test? i was thinking too much. (yeah, no wonder, i knowwww~~~~) i was like "work... too many workkkkk... which one should i start on first... so tired.. workkk... work..... so many work to doooo...." which made me do nothing at all.

so if anyone of you know how not to think too much for example, drink ginger ale ka, eat kfc ka, tell me. if ever it works i'll be so grateful :D

sepi

currently playing : yuni shara - sepi
current mood : full stomach, lazy

no, the title has nothing to do with what im feeling right now.

and i miss my friends, i miss dena and i miss nora, and i miss atul, and come to think of it, i want to hate atul too because she changed her mobile number and didnt even tell me and i cant contact her in any way because i guess the whole family changed their goddamn mobile numbers too (i know, because i tried to call her father too)

i know i should study my ass off (ha haaa.. what kind of phrase is that??) bcause of the incoming test tomorrow but here i am updating with the revision book under my ankles with the same page opened for the last 30 minutes, how fun is it eh?

i watched the latest love movie by this Bahtia guy; Sepi and it was super sad (for Tony Eusoff and Baizura Kahar parts) and super cute (for Afdlin Shauki part)!! i cried a few times actually, while watching the movie, i was so touched..... *coughs* forgive me for being an emo person i cant help it bah. anyway, i suggest that u guys watch it too its a great movie, even better than Cinta.

talking about love, last two days i dreamt about boyfriend being dead and when i woke up it took me a while to digest what ive been dreaming then i burst into tears and i called him immediately just to make sure he's really okay and it's just a dream, it turns out that he is just watching cartoons and still breathing and alive (thank god) and it makes me quite paranoid for the whole day wanting to know what he was doing every minute every hour and whether he is safe. eventually by the end of the day the paranoia comes to an end when he tell me not to imagine horrid stuffs anymore and convinced me that he's fine. teehee, cant help it tho because i love him so much and oh, ignore the previous posts thats just me being emo because we had fights blablabla.

today i was very annoyed at some people because they were acting like i was still not over aziz. u see, aziz and a friend of ours are officially together for a few days already, and people have been asking me things like "goddd arent you jealous, wani?" "if i were you i would be jealous, seriouslyyyyyyy" "poor you..." or maybe some people dont say it that way but i know what they are thinking. they are thinking that im this pitiful ex who is not over her ex, and yet her ex has found someone new while leaving me to bite my fingers and cry a river..... yeah im so pitiful that here i am eating like a pig while watching heroes and looking fwd for the date with boyfriend tonight... god, i feel like screaming to their faces "fyi suckers, i have a boyfriend who i really love and oh what a surprise!! the boyfriend is not aziz!!" in a sarcastic tone of course. how i just love sarcasm :D

its been so long that ive post something about aziz and the last time is when i was still a fan of him. gla. but anyway, cheers to aziz and his girlfriend and may you guys live happily ever after!

blah, and now im exhausted with no mood to study still :|

:) :)

Selamat Hari Raya to all of my friends!!!! (if u can consider me your friend)

its pretty late for an Eid wish but people say its better late than never kan.

Maaf zahir and batin :)