dont let it burn, dont let it fade

you know im such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your fingers
do you have to let it linger?

his smell is so addictive and everytime i smell a whiff of his shirt or his hair i melt like like like.. i dunno...... but thats not the point. the point is, we often had a fight and the same thing happened over and over again and when he said he's sorry i realized that i deep in my heart i know it wont be the last time. SIGH!!!!!!

life is so hectic right now i can barely take a break and stop to look around at what really matters.

and our Transportation lecturer is certainly out of his mind because he gave us 4 assignments and a lab report (all in one day) to be submitted within these 2 weeks.

sometimes i feel like i dont have enough air to breathe and i have to inhale deeper just so that i wont feel suffocated (literally). mayb all those feelings that ive kept by myself has moved to my nostrils blocking my nose (what the hell? haha)

honestly, im not fine and i dont think i will be for these few days. an apology or just seeing him or touching his face or sleep for the whole day or eat as much as i want just dont cut it anymore.

okla bye.

**updated : apparentlyyyy ALL of our lecturers are out of their mind because they seem to have the idea that there are 30 days next week so they gave us assignments, tests, and projects all to be submitted or done by next week. HOW FUN IS IT EH?!!!

nyee

cheating in test? kids nowadays.... tsk tsk tsk :P

tell me its not true

when i applied for utp no one warned me about how i will be having lack of sleep (ok, mayb this is not really true), how 24 hours a day is not enough, and how i will have no life at all.

it doesnt matter

things had been fine lately, except when there were times when i feel like someone else is making me happy more than boyfriend but thats not the point i was just being selfish and unfair thats all. teehee

i realized that ive been thinking too much. about anything, everything. thats why ive been kinda dramatic sometimes.... okla... emo la however u put it. the problem is i cant stop it. the thinking, i mean. i think of stuffs before i went to sleep, when im in the toilet, in class when i cant concentrate or when i walk alone, or whenever there is time to think. its good when you think about how to concentrate on your studies, or how to make your parents happy, or your boyfriend happy, but mine is the opposite. i think about why cant i be cleverer than i am now that im more hardworking than i was (i guess), why is a computer game so important to my boyfriend sometimes more important than me, how to save more money and eat less and about the scandals in the class (haha) and etc etc...

i think of mundane stuffs, the things that u shud not worry about coz there are bigger stuffs that i should be worried about but still that doesnt stop me from thinking. i had been thinking of taking lobotomy too, haha which is so ridiculous i know, but what else is there to stop this... disease? is this normal? or is it just me? or im just a paranoid girl with issues? more like mental issues i guess. hah.

whatever it is i feel like im on a rollercoaster ride, you know? i dont know how to elaborate it much further u figure out yourself.

oh about the test that i wrote about the other day? that night, i ended up closing the book with the same page that i opened earlier and went to sleep. the next day i went to the test totally unprepared, its like you are about to plunge into the deep sea with no safety jackets or whatsoever to save you but you cant do anything anymore now that you're about to jump already and you know you're about to die.........

well, the good thing is i didnt die in fact i was quite happy after the test despite the fact that im going to flunk it eventho the test was an open book test, the text book were not much of a help at all i felt like throwing the book to the floor and scream cibai!!!!!! but i know thats not going to help me get good grades so i just shut up and dealt with it anyhow.

and the reason i was not able to study for the test? i was thinking too much. (yeah, no wonder, i knowwww~~~~) i was like "work... too many workkkkk... which one should i start on first... so tired.. workkk... work..... so many work to doooo...." which made me do nothing at all.

so if anyone of you know how not to think too much for example, drink ginger ale ka, eat kfc ka, tell me. if ever it works i'll be so grateful :D

sepi

currently playing : yuni shara - sepi
current mood : full stomach, lazy

no, the title has nothing to do with what im feeling right now.

and i miss my friends, i miss dena and i miss nora, and i miss atul, and come to think of it, i want to hate atul too because she changed her mobile number and didnt even tell me and i cant contact her in any way because i guess the whole family changed their goddamn mobile numbers too (i know, because i tried to call her father too)

i know i should study my ass off (ha haaa.. what kind of phrase is that??) bcause of the incoming test tomorrow but here i am updating with the revision book under my ankles with the same page opened for the last 30 minutes, how fun is it eh?

i watched the latest love movie by this Bahtia guy; Sepi and it was super sad (for Tony Eusoff and Baizura Kahar parts) and super cute (for Afdlin Shauki part)!! i cried a few times actually, while watching the movie, i was so touched..... *coughs* forgive me for being an emo person i cant help it bah. anyway, i suggest that u guys watch it too its a great movie, even better than Cinta.

talking about love, last two days i dreamt about boyfriend being dead and when i woke up it took me a while to digest what ive been dreaming then i burst into tears and i called him immediately just to make sure he's really okay and it's just a dream, it turns out that he is just watching cartoons and still breathing and alive (thank god) and it makes me quite paranoid for the whole day wanting to know what he was doing every minute every hour and whether he is safe. eventually by the end of the day the paranoia comes to an end when he tell me not to imagine horrid stuffs anymore and convinced me that he's fine. teehee, cant help it tho because i love him so much and oh, ignore the previous posts thats just me being emo because we had fights blablabla.

today i was very annoyed at some people because they were acting like i was still not over aziz. u see, aziz and a friend of ours are officially together for a few days already, and people have been asking me things like "goddd arent you jealous, wani?" "if i were you i would be jealous, seriouslyyyyyyy" "poor you..." or maybe some people dont say it that way but i know what they are thinking. they are thinking that im this pitiful ex who is not over her ex, and yet her ex has found someone new while leaving me to bite my fingers and cry a river..... yeah im so pitiful that here i am eating like a pig while watching heroes and looking fwd for the date with boyfriend tonight... god, i feel like screaming to their faces "fyi suckers, i have a boyfriend who i really love and oh what a surprise!! the boyfriend is not aziz!!" in a sarcastic tone of course. how i just love sarcasm :D

its been so long that ive post something about aziz and the last time is when i was still a fan of him. gla. but anyway, cheers to aziz and his girlfriend and may you guys live happily ever after!

blah, and now im exhausted with no mood to study still :|

:) :)

Selamat Hari Raya to all of my friends!!!! (if u can consider me your friend)

its pretty late for an Eid wish but people say its better late than never kan.

Maaf zahir and batin :)

there is something wrong...

when the one that often makes you happy and smile everyday is not your own boyfriend.

all i can do is try

to be frank, ive opened the editor to update the blog quite a number of times already, but ended up closing the browser everytime without updating anything. is this what they called the writer's block?

eid is near, (almost) everyone is excited to go back home, some even had gone home before the holiday starts. to me, its the same every year, same gathering (not that i mind), same food, same people.. ive been getting more and more messed up lately i dont even know what had been making me sad anymore. the hectic weeks are over for now, now that the holiday is starting, but the lecturers also dont miss the chance to give us as many assignments and homeworks as they can. i wonder if they know what's the meaning of holidays, or mayb these utp lecturers never really had holidays so no wonder la they give us piling assignments kan, tension jak!!!!!!!!!!! huh

i only drank a mug of cereal drink and glasses of warm water for sahur. getting lazier to prepare food for sahur by day. i remember when i was at home, i used to complain that i have no appetite to have sahur meals even if at that time mother had prepared fried chicken, some veggies, and a little bit more but i still didnt have the appetite to eat. but now that im here, i realized how i really miss mother's food and how i really should appreciate it when it was there right in front of me huhuhuhuhu :( whats that saying again? about people taking granted of what they have blablabla.... oh, you dont even know what you got until its gone. thats right

my flight to kuching is not until tomorrow, i have more than 24-hours to settle everything in utp before i go back home, and why am i not excited to go back home this time..? -_-"" eid this year is going to be a lot less fun, what with some friends not going back and the short holiday.

seriously..... i have no idea what else to write. bye

what we shouldnt be

please dont give me any reason to fall out of love with you

please dont let anyone else win over my heart

please

:)

He's a Keeper!

Your guy is a rare find: sweet, kind, and loyal. And as long as he doesn't have three nipples, You should seriously consider keeping him a long time Sometimes a girl can't see a good thing when she's got one So let me tell you: your guy is a gold medal boyfriend Just make sure you treat him right in return!

Is He a Keeper?

thats why i love my boyfriend so much lalalalala

taggity tag

tagged by syara.

Dream wedding.This is a survey about your dream wedding, whether it be in the next year or after ten years. So, please answer after you read, the person who answered this before you took a great deal of effort.

1. How old are you?
19

2. Are you single?
nonononono

3. In what age do you think you'll get married?
ask kamal.

4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
yea. i hope so.

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
James McAvoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. Do you want a garden/beach or a traditional wedding?
Traditional ya gne? hehe

7. Your ideal motive?
dunno la

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
em dunno.

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
relatives and friends of family? thats all lah. dunno how many. if my father's friends are taken into consideration it will be more than 100000000 hahahaha jk

10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?
simple. use terompah n all, baju kurung made of leaves. lol. no la, simple but dunno how simple

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you'd make up on your own?
traditional vows?

12. How many layers of cake do you want?
hm. 10? possible?

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or a simple place?
a big hall with air conditionings

14. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
night can ka?

15. You'd rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
Indoors.

16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom?
no need la

17. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
selamat pengantin baru - by dunno-what-her-name

18. Are you a morning person or a night person?
neither. always sleepy. what does this got to do with my wedding?

19. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
dunno

20. What age do you want to get married?
ask kamal

21. Describe your ideal husband/wife.
kamal

22. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
sukati

23. Champagne or red wine?
neither

24. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
days after wedding

25. Money or household items?
either, or both is better kan :P

26. Who will pay for the bills?
share

27. Are you ready for married life?
no

28. Do you think you will still be a virgin until you get married?


29. Will you always be true to your wife/husband?
insyaAllah

30. How many kids would you like to have?
i wud like to have 3, kamal wud like to have 5, so take the average, we shud have 4 mayb?

31. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?
depends

32. Will you celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding or diamond wedding?
mayb? insyaAllah if i live long enough

33. What kind of cuisine would you like for your wedding?
chinese and malay

34. Will you record your honeymoon in a CD or DVD?
haha...... dunno

35. Whose wedding plans would you like to know next?

Anyone who wants to do ths

persoalannya kini,

sampai ble ku mampu bertahan
Mampukah ku bertahan?

Nampak ketara kah dilema diwajahku
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu
Nampak ketara kah dilema diwajahku
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu

Beginikah selalunya cinta
Diakhiri sengsara
Setelah dicurahkan semua
Cuba ku dalami
Sampai termimpi2
Namun apa yg ku jumpa
Semua nya sama

Nampak ketara kah dilema diwajahku
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu
Ini semua dugaanNya

Hujan - DugaanNya

if i were to choose between loving someone unconditionally and not being able to love anyone else other than my family and friends, i would choose the latter.

so kawan2 yang single out there, why do you want to love if you know love will hurt you so much? u guys are better off being single, trust me, no need to find true love.... coz there aint no true love.

once u fell in love you better be prepared for the pain ok!! dont tell me i dont warn you!!

anyway, i finally get to drink iced lychee!!!!!!!!!! (thought of eating ABC too, and ice creams... but probably thats too much) sedap, but i have to get ready for my tonsils to be swollen again this time (and no whining) teeheeeeee

p/s : good luck to my chubby little sister for her UPSR examination tomoro.

untuk dia (dan untuk aku)

masa mengejar kita... atau kita mengejar masa?

hari ni lab start pukul 8 pagi, bila bangun pagi tengok jam dah 847 pagi. wtffffFFF!! detik ku dalam hati, nak xnak terpaksa turun ke lab sebab lab structural analysis ni xdpt dganti dgn lab lain. aku ambik masa 5 minit je utk bekemas (xmandi pun), angkat bag yang sedia terisi dgn brg (tapi kebanyakan brg yg xbekenaan; coklat tofiluk, bekas tisu, kepingan pembaris yang dah patah).

oh ye, sebab aku lambat bangun? tido pukul 5.... ohhhh thats whyyy..... gara2 test transportation engineering pukul 10 pagi aku gagah kan diri menahan ngantuk satu malam, study study study sampai nak gle. ble dah rasa hampir nak gle tu, aku stop sekejap beli makanan utk besahur. ade niat nak sambung study after tu tapi telinga aku dah mendengar bunyi2 pelik (org laki tgh borak) padahal dlm bilik tu ade aku dan roommate aku je. so, aku baring tutup telinga dgn bantal busuk, xtau macam mane boleh tetdo.

pagi tu kelam kabut sebab lambat sejam ke lab dan test tu pun (agak) senang.... senang nak goreng. tapi aku sebenanya dah bersedia untuk bedepan dengan worst case scenario yang mungkin akan terjadi (dimane aku xdpt jwb langsung test tu, boleh tulis nama dan salin soalan je), tapi Alhamdulillah maybe sebab aku (agak) betungkus lumus belajar semalam, dapat la juge jawab sikit2. at least, dpt la 50% daripada full mark (masih berdoa untuk full mark sebenanya).

kadang2 terdetik juga rasa bosan dengan keadaan mcm ni (kene belajar, risau pasal carry marks, risau pasal duit, risau pasal segalanya). kadang2 rasa nak tido je sepanjang hari, biar aku xdapat fikir or risau. mcm mane nak hidup happy ni; ble bangun pagi je, takut lambat pegi kls; nak tdo awal sebab ade kelas pukul 8 esoknya, rasa bersalah (sebab assignment masih banyak xsiap ni!); ble xtido awal, takut xcukup tido sebab kene bangun awal esoknye; ble blanje banyak sikit dah kene kire secara kasar berapa lagi duit tinggal dalam akaun; dan mcm2 lagi la! mungkin aku yang terlalu banyak pikir psl semua ni. mungking juga, tapi kalau xdipikir benda2 ni alamatnya, dunia (aku je) akan kiamat. kan

dan kadang2 terdetik juga rasa bosan sebab asyik sakit je, sakit datang satu2 lepas sakit ni, sakit tu, lepas sakit tu, sakit ni, pendek kata banyak lah sakit yang datang menyerang aku! hidup aku penuh dengan ubat-ubatan sampai kencing pun dah bau ubat (kalau xpercaya meh cni datang sendiri tengok or cium; yaks). rindu nak minum air ais, air sejuk, or makan aiskrim (sebab tonsil dalam tekak aku ni xkasi aku minum and makan bende sejuk!!)

dan kadang2 terdetik juga rasa bosan dengan keadaan kami mcm ni (aku dan boyfriend). salah sapa sebenanya? salah dia, salah aku? aku pun xtau, yang pasti nya sebab dah terlalu banyak pikir psl benda lain, aku xnak pikir sangat pasal kami. tapi bila pikir2 balik (pikir lagi) susah nak sembunyikan rasa sepi ni dari dia. aku xtau nak jwb ape. ape2 je lah.

esok ada test lagi. kene belajar sampai hampir nak gle lagi. kene stay up lagi mlm ni.

aku penat tau tak!!!!!!!!!!!!

(first time tulis post dalam bhs melayu)

happy to be here nonetheless

its the 4th day of ramadhan.

anyway, Happy Fasting everyone~

so far, fasting is fine for me despite for the gastric that i have and despite the fact that i have this principle (principal? heck) of eating every 2 hours else my stomach will grumble like mad, and people will think im farting or something which had happened twice this semester and is really embarassing. >_<

but for the past few days, my stomach didnt bother me much at all. ah, the blessings of the month of Ramadhan :)

today's sahur is really niceeeee!! i boiled broccoli, heated tinned beef curry and cooked some rice... (rajin buat sahur). i have to have my sahur every morning lor else, i cant take my meds (not sleeping pills aaa, mind u) and i will be very hungry and moody for the rest of the 13 hours fasting. grrr

i have been awake for more than 12 hours already, stayed up until its time for sahur just to finish the piling asgments (which i failed to do so). and i have an 8am class tomoro which im sure have to skip else i'll be having only 2 hours of sleep :(

its kinda hard to manage my time here, since all i do is worrying about asgments, tests (and sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep and more sleep), but i didnt actually do the asgments until it was until last minute. ah, typical student, ey?

oh lookie, its me in my graduation suit!! i like this picture. hik3~~
yeah, well its not my graduation yet, borrowed the suit from nizam, but probably this is how i look like in 2-3 years time (probably better if wear tudung kan) hehe

(anyway the labels for the posts are random)

bercahayalah selamanya

tunjukkan ku bulan gerhana
tiada siapa nak ku jumpa
pedih yang tiada ku sangka ada
oh tak mengapa
tak mengapa;

butterfingers - mati hidup kembali

ive been listening to this song over and over for the past 2 days. BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u shud listen to it too.

nothing new except that finally i got my driving licence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha those jpj or police suckers cant give me summons anymore because i can drive legally now!! so happy :)

went to the driving test last thursday, i dont know why i was less nervous than i was during the pre-test (when my left leg shook like mad bcoz i was so nervous, made it kinda difficult for me to drive, ala pre-test jak pun). hehe but over all the test was fine, the jpj officer that evaluated me was so passive, she (yes, she) the only thing that she talked to me is about asking for my signature and my full name.

i dont know why but i kinda feel tired of everything, i barely did anything except for going out to ipoh with my friends yesterday (and sleep, and eat, and chatting, and listening to music, mostly sleep). i didnt even do the assignments that has been piling up ever since. even when my boyfriend is mad at me, i feel tired that i dont know what to do cept for sending him an apology thru the sms.

i cant have access to the facebook since last few days, and yet i can have access to my blog, the elearning portal, my boyfriend's friendster, other people's blogs.. sometimes i feel like talking to someone badly but i dont know who to talk to, who will understand, wanted to send a msg to dena on the facebook, but cant even access the facebook website so how lor? :(

sometimes i feel like living in utp is like living in hell, the name is UNIVERSITI TEKNOLOGI PETRONAS but the internet connection here is very slow its like the internet from the stone age!!!!!! nama jak teknologi but the technology here sucks!!

i already start to whine like mad again, am i.

talking about hell, i once read about the hell having sub-hells, its like u have 7 rings of hell. the 1st ring is where u receive the littlest punishments, well mayb like you have to run without your feet and eat shit something like that, and the degree of the punishment gets higher as the numbers go. so the 7th ring of hell is like the most horrible place mayb, what with you being frozen (and naked) and not able to cry at all because when you cry your tears will be droplets of ice because the place is so cold or some kind of horrible punishments that even us humans cant imagine. i guess utp is like the 4th ring of hell, but with my friends and boyfriend with me it made utp move to the upper ring of hell, mayb 3rd? but muslims are not supposed to believe this, i guess. hehe

i was supposed to wake up earlier around 7 am but i went to bed only at 3am so i slept like a log and when boyfriend called to wake me up i didnt wake up and he was mad. i promised him a breakfast today huhu im so sorry sayang..

then when i woke up its already 830am and i was like shit, he must be mad having to wait for me for 3 hours huhuhuhu. but i cooked breakfast for him (and his roommate) and my roommate immediately nonethelss, coz i promised him already and i hate to break promises that i made. i made scrambled eggs, chicken ham and cheese sandwich and fried beef frankfurters which turned out to be wavy after i fried them (arent hot dogs supposed to be straight in shape?), hell, it would be better if i boil them but i was in a rush coz i want to give it to him but i know he wont want to see me so how am i going to give it to him? so in the end i gave it to his roommate instead huhuhu... but then what can i do, it was my mistake after all i have to deal with it.

(a small voice in me said; but i cant sleep last night because my tonsils felt very painful, he should understand why i stayed up and at least show some sympathy because im sick yadayadayadayada *slaps self*)

ive been feeling excited about this person, (which i probably should not) but it has been so long since i feel like this about someone, its a nice feeling and i cant help but to say he's cute! :P. dena or nora or atul would understand sigh

anyway, my parents were in town yesterday, and i was like why didnt they visit me here?? utp is only 3 hours away. well, maybe i should not bother them just to see me huhu..

me : can u come visit me here please? (i cant believe i have to beg them to visit me)
mother : we cant dear, we have something to do before we get back home
me : but i want you guys to meet my.. umm... friend......
mother : who? your boyfriend is it? you dont need to have a boyfriend now dear, why dont you just concentrate on ur studies for the time being..
me:...... (what the hell was i thinking when i said that, i know my mother wont be interested in my love life now)

so you see, boyfriend and i have a serious relationship, we planned on our future already (sikit2) and who cares if he is not from sarawak.... imagine if i tell my mother that

possible situation 1

me : mother, ive already found someone who i want to marry and live with someday. he's from......
mother : what!!!! you're still 19 and you want to marry already???
me : not marry now la mother, im just telling.....
mother : dear, you just focus on your study now okay, you dont need other distractions i want you to get higher gpa next sem, remember you already promised me!
me : alright, mother........

possible situation 2

me : mother, ive already found someone who i want to marry and live with some......
mother : shush shush shush, im not accepting this nonsense, you are still a student!
me : .......

well probably this wont happen coz mother always listen to what i have to say first hehe.

possible situation 3

me : mother, ive already found someone who i want to marry and live with someday. he's from johor.....
mother : he's from johor? why do you have to find someone so far? ive told you that once you're married i want you to stay in kuching, so you have to persuade him to stay here and live here (more like migrate to kuching terusssss)

(but.... but..... but..... his mother said to him that once he's married he have to live in mersing, so how? ha ha ha..... nvm mayb we'll live some place else other than kuching or mersing, that way, everything will be fair)

me : ........... (worried already) haha

but its a long way to go, so we dont have to worry about that.

ish, im tired!!!!!!!!!!!!! want to be with my bantal busuk now. bye

so many had happened,

then i feel like updating here, so i click on the new post button but suddenly........................

i... dont............ f..e..e..l..... l..i....k.....e....... blogging.

suddenly feel malas.

heart this guy so much. xoxo!!!!!!!

to take one step at a time

Got this from syara.

How sun signs differ by gender (actually i dont know what this means)

Mine
The Sagittarius Female can light up a room, simply by stepping in to it. Charming, witty, outgoing, and hilariously fun, this woman may not be sure in what direction her life is going, but she will make the most of scenery along the way! She is independent and impulsive, and her idea of romance is a week-long adventure - but you can bring champagne and roses if you want to. She is attracted to active, intelligent, and optimistic lovers who thrive as much as she does venturing into the unknown. She can make an insult sound like a compliment, and to her, "apology" is some foreign and undiscovered word. You may not know where the Sagittarius female is going, but fun and chaos will mark where she's been.

Bf's
The Gemini Male is an introverted extravert. Charisma, humor, and intellect may be the image he projects, but no matter how close you get - you can never be quite certain what is on his mind. He wants a partner who shows just enough emotion to validate that he is awesome, but not too much emotion that it will become complicated. He is seriously committed to remaining uncommitted, unless he stumbles across a super-achiever who can keep up with the conversation, reach their own goals without his assistance, and be packed and ready to go on an adventure at the drop of a dime. That, in his mind, is an amore worth considering.

hehe. just for fun :) quite true tho for the boyfriendpart :P dunno if mine is. well then, who am i to argue? :P

UTP Symphony Fest 08 and UTP V3 Grand Dinner

grand dinner v3 (theme : cultural)







symphony fest (not boring pictures)

cute drummer......... but so far awayyyy sigh

symphony fest (boring pictures)




more symphony fest 08 pictures here

may you have a wonderful life forever and ever

i went to the doctor today hoping that with some luck i'll get some sleeping pills. but the doctor borrowed me this instead;


yea... you got it right, the title is Kemurungan (depresi) ialah sejenis penyakit. and i do feel depressed today coz i thought my boyfriend hates me.

I..... honestly never thought of reading such book, but when i read it, the details and the symptoms are so.....!!!! aaarghhh how come a happy go lucky person like me can be depressed?? even my friends didnt believe me at first and laughed when i showed them this book.

yala, i DID mentioned about being depressed sometimes but i never thought it wud be this serious.

no wonder ive been having chest pains all these while my depression is getting worse. the doctor said i shud take no more flu pills and try to overcome the depression myself. and try to eat healthy foods and try to sleep early and exercise (which ive started this evening, gone jogging).

everytime i feel some kind of emotion that triggers my heart to pump faster (sad, or nervous for instance) i'll almost immediately feel the pain in the chest physically which is so annoying bcoz it means that i'll have the chest pains almost all the time!! and if it gets worse i'll feel like the blood rushes to my head and i'll instantly feel hot and cold at the same time. sheesh. and i thought it was the flu pills that caused me to feel that way.

and he said that all of this comes from my mind, my thoughts which i have to banish them, the negative thoughts i mean. but seriously, my last doctor said the same thing too, and my mother.. but i dunno how to overcome it, in the book it mentioned some ways to overcome it, but mostly in the end it involves taking anti-depressant pills.

hu. dont wanna be sick. hate being sick ):

i miss my mother.

i'll find you, i promise

Somehow, I get this feeling I am always alone, no matter who is around me... Somehow, I always feel left out... Somehow, I feel the air cold on a warm Sunday morning... Somehow, I just feel so empty inside... Somehow, I feel my heart beating so quickly... Somehow, I don't seem to have a true best friend... Somehow, I always felt better without anyone around... Somehow, I now feel that I had enough. Someone, find me, please......

copied this from a friend's status message, he sounded so sad it touched me, but then again, it is kinda unappropriate to put what you're feeling on your instant messenger status message isnt it? status message is not the place to pour your heart out, they say.

its 0310 hours, and i cant get to sleep yet despite the long day full of activities which makes me tired but this is the first night i dont take my pills, i find its hard to sleep eventho i feel very tired (i ran out of pills!!!). i hate staying up late at night, and being alone, bcoz being alone makes me feel so mellow, so alone, so sad, so negative but i cant get to sleep early either, thats why i have been taking these pills.

people have always ask me why do i take these pills, but i cant explain to them about how i feel, how i cant sleep at night, how im afraid of being alone at night, so i told them that im sick which sometimes i really am. easy peasy

you can imagine how i feel, bcoz i always whine here when i feel bad, bcoz whining here seems easier than telling how i really feel to people.....

and its harder to tell people why i'm mad at my boyfriend bcoz he used THAT tone, to talk me, in front of his friends, my friends, which always makes me feel embarassed, bcoz other people's boyfriend dont talk to their girls with THAT tone. THAT tone, that sarcastic harsh tone you sometimes use when talking to your friends but not your girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ):

how do you suppose i tell someone about that and they'll just say "oh relax la wani, he's always like that"

yeah right, even with his girlfriend??? i hate him. i hate him but i love him. huhu

my playlist for tonight :

1. The Clientele - I Can't Seem To Make You Mine
2. Cat Stevens - Wild World
3. Alanis Morisette - Uninvited
4. Nitrus - Sisa
5. Dygta - Seperti Pelangi
6. Buckcherry - Sorry
7. Mariah Carey - Bye Bye
8. Butterfly Boucher - Never Leave Your Heart Alone
9. Agnes Monica - Matahariku
10. Coco - Mengintai Langit
11. Nidji - Jangan Lupakan
12. Judika - Bukan Utk Dimengerti
13. Coldplay - Fix You
14. Leona Lewis - Better In Time
15. Andra & The Backbone - Musnah

and a longer list of sad songs. you'll be saying, oh no wonder this kid is depressed.

which is fine with me!!

goddd, this chest pain is really annoying. it happens a lot lately, especially when i feel bad (almost always when i had a fight with my boyfriend lol). and NO, i dont smoke, at least not anymore, at least im only thinking about doing it when im bored but usually i pushed aside the thoughts, but nights like these... ah.

im thinking of calling someone to talk, but... nope, dont feel like talking.

yeap, im officially em... crazy? whatever. oh ya, i went to UTP's Symphony Fest, well, it was, quite amazing. the performances i mean, i never thought utp has a team of orchestra players who are so talented. had tons of fun taking pictures, which i guess we never failed to do everytime :P

will post the pictures later. edit sikit2 lok. hehe. okay, im going to find something else to do other than ranting here. nite peeps