untuk dia (dan untuk aku)

masa mengejar kita... atau kita mengejar masa?

hari ni lab start pukul 8 pagi, bila bangun pagi tengok jam dah 847 pagi. wtffffFFF!! detik ku dalam hati, nak xnak terpaksa turun ke lab sebab lab structural analysis ni xdpt dganti dgn lab lain. aku ambik masa 5 minit je utk bekemas (xmandi pun), angkat bag yang sedia terisi dgn brg (tapi kebanyakan brg yg xbekenaan; coklat tofiluk, bekas tisu, kepingan pembaris yang dah patah).

oh ye, sebab aku lambat bangun? tido pukul 5.... ohhhh thats whyyy..... gara2 test transportation engineering pukul 10 pagi aku gagah kan diri menahan ngantuk satu malam, study study study sampai nak gle. ble dah rasa hampir nak gle tu, aku stop sekejap beli makanan utk besahur. ade niat nak sambung study after tu tapi telinga aku dah mendengar bunyi2 pelik (org laki tgh borak) padahal dlm bilik tu ade aku dan roommate aku je. so, aku baring tutup telinga dgn bantal busuk, xtau macam mane boleh tetdo.

pagi tu kelam kabut sebab lambat sejam ke lab dan test tu pun (agak) senang.... senang nak goreng. tapi aku sebenanya dah bersedia untuk bedepan dengan worst case scenario yang mungkin akan terjadi (dimane aku xdpt jwb langsung test tu, boleh tulis nama dan salin soalan je), tapi Alhamdulillah maybe sebab aku (agak) betungkus lumus belajar semalam, dapat la juge jawab sikit2. at least, dpt la 50% daripada full mark (masih berdoa untuk full mark sebenanya).

kadang2 terdetik juga rasa bosan dengan keadaan mcm ni (kene belajar, risau pasal carry marks, risau pasal duit, risau pasal segalanya). kadang2 rasa nak tido je sepanjang hari, biar aku xdapat fikir or risau. mcm mane nak hidup happy ni; ble bangun pagi je, takut lambat pegi kls; nak tdo awal sebab ade kelas pukul 8 esoknya, rasa bersalah (sebab assignment masih banyak xsiap ni!); ble xtido awal, takut xcukup tido sebab kene bangun awal esoknye; ble blanje banyak sikit dah kene kire secara kasar berapa lagi duit tinggal dalam akaun; dan mcm2 lagi la! mungkin aku yang terlalu banyak pikir psl semua ni. mungking juga, tapi kalau xdipikir benda2 ni alamatnya, dunia (aku je) akan kiamat. kan

dan kadang2 terdetik juga rasa bosan sebab asyik sakit je, sakit datang satu2 lepas sakit ni, sakit tu, lepas sakit tu, sakit ni, pendek kata banyak lah sakit yang datang menyerang aku! hidup aku penuh dengan ubat-ubatan sampai kencing pun dah bau ubat (kalau xpercaya meh cni datang sendiri tengok or cium; yaks). rindu nak minum air ais, air sejuk, or makan aiskrim (sebab tonsil dalam tekak aku ni xkasi aku minum and makan bende sejuk!!)

dan kadang2 terdetik juga rasa bosan dengan keadaan kami mcm ni (aku dan boyfriend). salah sapa sebenanya? salah dia, salah aku? aku pun xtau, yang pasti nya sebab dah terlalu banyak pikir psl benda lain, aku xnak pikir sangat pasal kami. tapi bila pikir2 balik (pikir lagi) susah nak sembunyikan rasa sepi ni dari dia. aku xtau nak jwb ape. ape2 je lah.

esok ada test lagi. kene belajar sampai hampir nak gle lagi. kene stay up lagi mlm ni.

aku penat tau tak!!!!!!!!!!!!

(first time tulis post dalam bhs melayu)

happy to be here nonetheless

its the 4th day of ramadhan.

anyway, Happy Fasting everyone~

so far, fasting is fine for me despite for the gastric that i have and despite the fact that i have this principle (principal? heck) of eating every 2 hours else my stomach will grumble like mad, and people will think im farting or something which had happened twice this semester and is really embarassing. >_<

but for the past few days, my stomach didnt bother me much at all. ah, the blessings of the month of Ramadhan :)

today's sahur is really niceeeee!! i boiled broccoli, heated tinned beef curry and cooked some rice... (rajin buat sahur). i have to have my sahur every morning lor else, i cant take my meds (not sleeping pills aaa, mind u) and i will be very hungry and moody for the rest of the 13 hours fasting. grrr

i have been awake for more than 12 hours already, stayed up until its time for sahur just to finish the piling asgments (which i failed to do so). and i have an 8am class tomoro which im sure have to skip else i'll be having only 2 hours of sleep :(

its kinda hard to manage my time here, since all i do is worrying about asgments, tests (and sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep and more sleep), but i didnt actually do the asgments until it was until last minute. ah, typical student, ey?

oh lookie, its me in my graduation suit!! i like this picture. hik3~~
yeah, well its not my graduation yet, borrowed the suit from nizam, but probably this is how i look like in 2-3 years time (probably better if wear tudung kan) hehe

(anyway the labels for the posts are random)

to take one step at a time

Got this from syara.

How sun signs differ by gender (actually i dont know what this means)

Mine
The Sagittarius Female can light up a room, simply by stepping in to it. Charming, witty, outgoing, and hilariously fun, this woman may not be sure in what direction her life is going, but she will make the most of scenery along the way! She is independent and impulsive, and her idea of romance is a week-long adventure - but you can bring champagne and roses if you want to. She is attracted to active, intelligent, and optimistic lovers who thrive as much as she does venturing into the unknown. She can make an insult sound like a compliment, and to her, "apology" is some foreign and undiscovered word. You may not know where the Sagittarius female is going, but fun and chaos will mark where she's been.

Bf's
The Gemini Male is an introverted extravert. Charisma, humor, and intellect may be the image he projects, but no matter how close you get - you can never be quite certain what is on his mind. He wants a partner who shows just enough emotion to validate that he is awesome, but not too much emotion that it will become complicated. He is seriously committed to remaining uncommitted, unless he stumbles across a super-achiever who can keep up with the conversation, reach their own goals without his assistance, and be packed and ready to go on an adventure at the drop of a dime. That, in his mind, is an amore worth considering.

hehe. just for fun :) quite true tho for the boyfriendpart :P dunno if mine is. well then, who am i to argue? :P

may you have a wonderful life forever and ever

i went to the doctor today hoping that with some luck i'll get some sleeping pills. but the doctor borrowed me this instead;


yea... you got it right, the title is Kemurungan (depresi) ialah sejenis penyakit. and i do feel depressed today coz i thought my boyfriend hates me.

I..... honestly never thought of reading such book, but when i read it, the details and the symptoms are so.....!!!! aaarghhh how come a happy go lucky person like me can be depressed?? even my friends didnt believe me at first and laughed when i showed them this book.

yala, i DID mentioned about being depressed sometimes but i never thought it wud be this serious.

no wonder ive been having chest pains all these while my depression is getting worse. the doctor said i shud take no more flu pills and try to overcome the depression myself. and try to eat healthy foods and try to sleep early and exercise (which ive started this evening, gone jogging).

everytime i feel some kind of emotion that triggers my heart to pump faster (sad, or nervous for instance) i'll almost immediately feel the pain in the chest physically which is so annoying bcoz it means that i'll have the chest pains almost all the time!! and if it gets worse i'll feel like the blood rushes to my head and i'll instantly feel hot and cold at the same time. sheesh. and i thought it was the flu pills that caused me to feel that way.

and he said that all of this comes from my mind, my thoughts which i have to banish them, the negative thoughts i mean. but seriously, my last doctor said the same thing too, and my mother.. but i dunno how to overcome it, in the book it mentioned some ways to overcome it, but mostly in the end it involves taking anti-depressant pills.

hu. dont wanna be sick. hate being sick ):

i miss my mother.

i'll find you, i promise

Somehow, I get this feeling I am always alone, no matter who is around me... Somehow, I always feel left out... Somehow, I feel the air cold on a warm Sunday morning... Somehow, I just feel so empty inside... Somehow, I feel my heart beating so quickly... Somehow, I don't seem to have a true best friend... Somehow, I always felt better without anyone around... Somehow, I now feel that I had enough. Someone, find me, please......

copied this from a friend's status message, he sounded so sad it touched me, but then again, it is kinda unappropriate to put what you're feeling on your instant messenger status message isnt it? status message is not the place to pour your heart out, they say.

its 0310 hours, and i cant get to sleep yet despite the long day full of activities which makes me tired but this is the first night i dont take my pills, i find its hard to sleep eventho i feel very tired (i ran out of pills!!!). i hate staying up late at night, and being alone, bcoz being alone makes me feel so mellow, so alone, so sad, so negative but i cant get to sleep early either, thats why i have been taking these pills.

people have always ask me why do i take these pills, but i cant explain to them about how i feel, how i cant sleep at night, how im afraid of being alone at night, so i told them that im sick which sometimes i really am. easy peasy

you can imagine how i feel, bcoz i always whine here when i feel bad, bcoz whining here seems easier than telling how i really feel to people.....

and its harder to tell people why i'm mad at my boyfriend bcoz he used THAT tone, to talk me, in front of his friends, my friends, which always makes me feel embarassed, bcoz other people's boyfriend dont talk to their girls with THAT tone. THAT tone, that sarcastic harsh tone you sometimes use when talking to your friends but not your girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ):

how do you suppose i tell someone about that and they'll just say "oh relax la wani, he's always like that"

yeah right, even with his girlfriend??? i hate him. i hate him but i love him. huhu

my playlist for tonight :

1. The Clientele - I Can't Seem To Make You Mine
2. Cat Stevens - Wild World
3. Alanis Morisette - Uninvited
4. Nitrus - Sisa
5. Dygta - Seperti Pelangi
6. Buckcherry - Sorry
7. Mariah Carey - Bye Bye
8. Butterfly Boucher - Never Leave Your Heart Alone
9. Agnes Monica - Matahariku
10. Coco - Mengintai Langit
11. Nidji - Jangan Lupakan
12. Judika - Bukan Utk Dimengerti
13. Coldplay - Fix You
14. Leona Lewis - Better In Time
15. Andra & The Backbone - Musnah

and a longer list of sad songs. you'll be saying, oh no wonder this kid is depressed.

which is fine with me!!

goddd, this chest pain is really annoying. it happens a lot lately, especially when i feel bad (almost always when i had a fight with my boyfriend lol). and NO, i dont smoke, at least not anymore, at least im only thinking about doing it when im bored but usually i pushed aside the thoughts, but nights like these... ah.

im thinking of calling someone to talk, but... nope, dont feel like talking.

yeap, im officially em... crazy? whatever. oh ya, i went to UTP's Symphony Fest, well, it was, quite amazing. the performances i mean, i never thought utp has a team of orchestra players who are so talented. had tons of fun taking pictures, which i guess we never failed to do everytime :P

will post the pictures later. edit sikit2 lok. hehe. okay, im going to find something else to do other than ranting here. nite peeps

pretty much the same

In my 19 years of living, ive learnt that there are many types of people. We cant exactly categorize them coz each individual are different. But this is what i came up with (only roughly) :

1. Blissful, ignorant people who can lie to themselves and everyone that everything is perfect in every way and there's nothing to worry about. This people are kinda selfish, with their empty head they can cause trouble for other people too and still think that it doesnt matter. But not many can be like these type of people coz it took guts to ignore important things in ur life that may decide ur future.

2. People who are devoted to their work or their studies and think of nothing else. Some decided to join this category because they think it is easy to deal with the tasks they were given rather than dealing with the problems of life. These people too; tend to lie to themselves that everything is fine as long as they dont think about it. The chances that if pushing themselves to the limit do not work, they'll find some other way to numb the pain out; take medications for instance. Everything is solved with pills. Which probably will have dysfucntional kidneys or have some kind of disease by the time they're 30 because of the overdosed meds. Enough said.

3. People who think and worry too much about everything that they practically start their day with lots of worries about who, when, why, what, everything and end the day the same way. They live throughout the day worrying about how other people think of them, are they dressed perfectly, or have they done their work according to deadline, or what they should eat, how much calories they burn off by jogging (insert number) miles today, how much money left in their bank account, whether their boyfriends/girlfriends are cheating on them, whether their friends still remember about them. From big matters to small matters. Practically everything.

4. Happy positive people that everything in their life is in place except for small matters that; oh i can solve this no problem! or small matter only it doesnt matter sure there's a way to get thru this! These people are very lucky, oh yes they do.

I guess im the 2nd type and a little bit of the 3rd. Ngee.

So which one are u?

counting the days

lesson learnt for today (or not):

1. jpj people is much nicer than policemen and u can almost ignore the fact that they gave u a rm300 compound ticket for not having a driving licence because of their niceness.

2. i will drive again no matter what jpj people say. my parents got no objections to it d:

3. never do your packing until last minute haha

4. thats all i guess.

byebye kuching.

its not over yet

i usually dont like my own pictures but this one is kinda nice. credits to the photographer, pyah :D

had fun at Damai last weekend tho i only joined my friends the second day, been so long since i hang out with any of them that i realized that none of us had actually changed (except, maybe physically coz some of the boys had grown a tad cuter). more pictures here.

nothing much going on lately. i think last week is the most eventful week of my holidays. gosh, how boring. bila aku nak shopping tok.

im thinking of taking a holiday from my life. is that even possible? what if i want to have a holiday from my life forever. or sleep forever and never wake up. fuh, crazy thoughts are surfacing again. sometimes i wonder if i really am crazy. but crazy people dont admit themselves crazy. but i talk to myself sometimes, crazy people did it a lot. but crazy people dont drive. talk about driving, slow drivers driving on the right lane always piss me off. they make me feel like ramming into the butt of their car bcoz of their slowness, heck, some even drive 20kmh only!

i think driving alone is enough for me to swear more than a hundred times. byk dosa dah.

u know, when im alone at night and need someone to talk to, i scrolled thru the phonebook several times ending up in disappointment bcoz i cant find anyone to call. its funny that people are always saying, u're lucky u are so friendly and have many friends, but they didnt know the truth.

sometimes i need a cig badly and i only feel that when im really stressed but i know once i start again i wont be able to stop.

and i need my buddies badly.

and i know i need to stop when i intended to write a happy post but came out with a post full of whines.

if only you could see

"i feel so lonely sometimes"

"i want to make you feel better if i can, but i cant do anything while im away"

"i know"

she didnt tell him that she feels the loneliest when he is there but she feels like he is not all the same

as difficult as it sounds

funny how nowadays you get to eat ice cream for your breakfast when you're not allowed to when you're a kid. i used to be one where i kinda liked the idea of being a grown up and have control of almost everything in your life; sheesh how wrong i was.

now, being a grown up means you have to wake up knowing that you have these responsibilities that you just cant shirk off and having to decide for yourself and sometimes for other people too which may lead to disasters and having to worry about your body figure or how big are your chests or how much excess fat you have or how much money you have left in the bank account and wondering what exactly do you live for.

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a doctor or an engineer, or even enter a beauty peagent where i can sure win and be miss world 201(insert number here). now, i dont have the idea of what i want to be let alone to figure out who i really am......miss world indeed...... hahahah.

people always say that being a kid or a teenager always get you wound up in some kind of trouble and its because of their immaturity or that they can't think for themselves yet. but i dont think that grown ups have less troubles than those kids, its just that sometimes they solve it the easy way -running away from the reality.

yala, dont deny la you know it is true.

anyway, i guess i wont be complaining much about being a grown up as long as i can have ice creams every morning....

--

1.You're really upset; who is the first boy you went to?

- Kamal

2.If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?

- No. I wont want any awkwardness surfacing.

3.Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?

- Yeah.

4.Can you do a split?

- Hahah.... Dont ask.

5.Last person you texted?

- Sherip.

6.Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?

- Night

7.Have you been to New York City?

- No

8.Who is the last person you added to your contacts list in your phone?

- One of my father's employees

9.Do you have any expensive jewelry?

- No

10.Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

- Father

11.Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

- Yeah

12.Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?

- I guess, teehee

13.Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?

- Tadika Sedidik or is it Tadika Pedas? hahah

14.Have you ever tattooed anyone's name on you?

- Haha no.

15.Why is your number one on Friendster number one?

- Dont have a fs account

16.How many piercings do you have?

- Three

17.Which year has been the best so far?

- 2005, 2008 :)

18.Ever found more than a dollar in a random place?

- Yes.

19.Has anyone ever been more important to you than a family member?

- Em, no i guess

20.Last time you laughed really hard?

- Last night

21.Last text message in your inbox?

- Twitter

22.When is your next road trip?

- Em dunno yet

23.Do you know anyone addicted to any type of drugs?

- Yeah

25.Where is your phone?

- On this table

26.Do you know anyone by the name of Dennis?

- No

27.Where is your pet(s) right now?

- Dont have any pets

28.What type, colour phone do you have?

- White? Yg buruk mpun haha

29.What kind of phone do you have?

- Nokia

30.How many kids do you want to have?

- Ask Kamal

31.What color are your eyes?

- Dark dark brown.

32.What is the natural color of your hair?

- Black.

33.What are you doing tomorrow?

- Jogging.

34.Does a heartbreak feel as bad as it sounds?

- I guess so

35.What color is your hair?

- Black

36.Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?

- No.

37.What movie did you watch last time?

- Eh, dont remember hahah short term memory sorry lorr

38.Have you ever been in handcuffs?

- No.

39.Have you ever been to a strip club?

- No.

40.Have you ever been so drunk you couldn't remember the night?

- No.

41.If you could say anything to any one person, what would it be?

- Rindu..

42.Describe your life in one word

- Busy!!!!

remind me why i need to breathe

mayb if i pretend everything is fine, everything will be fine for real. or mayb if i dont think about it much, i can pretend it never happened and i was never hurt so bad. mayb if i just keep it to myself, things wont get worse.

despite all of that, comments from my friends really made my day! and made me miss them more! even atul is not here! get ur asses back here already ok! i'll be waiting
:)

trust issues

i dont get it why my father wont allow me to drive his car. its an mpv so u can guess the size of the car and i understand his worries about me driving a big car. i was a bit disappointed this morning as there was some emergency and i volunteered myself to drive the car but he asked my uncle instead. i mean, ive proven that im responsible enough, being his eldest daughter but i still cant get it. but honestly ive driven the car for more than a couple of times already and i handled it well, on top of that i never did anything to gain his mistrust or anything ive never even been in an accident some more, so why does he have to practically ban me from the steering wheel? ...apart from the fact that i dont have my licence yet. urgh, does it matter? driving licence is just a piece of laminated paper, it wont guarantee ur driving skills. you hv to agree me on this, because it seems like im the only one who doesnt have a driving licence yet. grrr....

one more thing that bugs me is these images of my boyfriend going out with another girl and kissing her and touching her and.... dont get me started. this images keep popping in my head i cant stop it and i have the feeling that sayang doesnt want to reply my sms, tho he replied it most of the times but reluctantly i guess. i just might as well tell him and get this worries over with but i dont dare to ask him for fear that he might think that im doubting him which is true, right? i mean whats up with that, he never did anything wrong that makes me doubt him but the little insecure feeling grew to a paranoia since i arrived at kuching. and his reluctance of replying my sms and answering my cal makes me feel like my theory is true than ever T_T

and since sayang has so many girl friends... T_T

and he's lonely, now that im not there.. T_T

surely he needs female companion..

and go out with one of his girl friend...

and the innocent hanging out becomes something more... T_T

what if he leaves me for the girl... T_T

im getting far already..

now, u see what i mean by being paranoid???

and to think that im going to be farther away than him tomorrow because i going to sabah to attend my cousin's wedding. its ironic, bcoz her ex is going to get married in kedah on the exact same day. i wonder if they did it on purpose. hah.

im tired. like literally tired. its not even the 5th day in kuching and yet im off to sabah.

*double sigh*

it doesnt matter anymore

they say pictures are worth a thousand words.

its not what i said, its what i didnt say

i think im getting crazy

incident 1 :
i laughed at a cat. i yelled at it until it scampered away and i laughed at it. its not that funny but how i laughed and laughed and laughed. a few seconds later i stopped abruptly bcoz i realized that laughing at a cat is a crazy thing that only crazy people do.

incident 2 :
i put on my headphone but actually the songs are blaring from my computer's speakers. but i still thought im hearing the sounds from my headphone until i realize the headphone is not even plugged in.


incident 3 :
i cried bcoz i had a fight with my boyfriend but a few minutes later i remembered something that made me smile (i was still crying). then sambung nangis balik.


a pic taken back home. im missing homeeee!!! :((((((

its worth a try

saving jane - what i didnt say.

im digging this song!!

once upon a happy time almost all of the love songs used to be OUR love songs. now they're just simply love songs that mean shit to me.

whatever.

ACTUALLY IM FREAKING OUT BECAUSE WE ARE HAVING 3 TESTS TOMORROW BUT I HAVENT STUDIED A SINGLE SHIT AND I CANT SLEEP EITHER BECAUSE IM SO WORRIED ABOUT IT BUT NOT WORRIED ENOUGH TO MAKE ME STUDY, I PLAY TEKKEN AND GOD OF WAR INSTEAD!!!