you found me

go away, pain. i can't take it anymore.

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All along
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything".
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who's ever known
Who I am
Who I'm not, who I wanna be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Early morning
The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all my world
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

i love the fray's. its so much easier to love music.

the reason..

that i dont support and pretty much hate infidelity is that ive seen how the people that are involved suffered especially the one who got left. ive seen how grandmother suffered living as a single mother raising 6 kids on her own just because grandfather is smart enough to elope with some other woman. ive seen how it had impacted my mother living without a father just because her father decided to leave. i know how it felt like to be betrayed by someone who supposedly care about you.

so when one of my friend got into this kind of thing i feel bugged, i feel disturbed, i feel the need to tell him that he is making a mistake to start something with another girl, a mistake to break his girlfriend's heart, a mistake to let infatuation win.

but how to tell him that? i can pretty much figure out what he's going to say, go to hell and mind your own business. oh i know im going to hell anyway, i just hope there's something about his relationship with his girlfriend that i do not know of, maybe his girlfriend doesnt love him anymore, maybe his girlfriend doesnt care anymore, mayb they have already decided that they dont love each other anymore which results to this. i hope so. i hope no one gets hurt.

the more i think about it the more i feel uneasy but i think i should drop it and let it clutter in my mind until my mind cant take anymore clutters and emotions that ive hid and until my head explodes. yeah, i think i'll do that.

k bye n good riddance!!!!!!! :( i know. im not fine. i dont feel fine. i dont know why ok? dont ask. i just need him.

discouraged.

lately i cant help but to want for more.

i want an ice cream vending machine in my room i want to have at least one day when i dont get sick i want to go back home i want to spend every minute and every second here in peninsular with boyfriend until i get back to kuching knowing that it probably would be the last time that we can see each other every day every fucking minute we can i want boyfriend to understand me without me having to tell him i want to change myself into someone less complicated less emo less everything i want to please boyfriend all the time i want to be the perfect girlfriend, daughter, friend i want my mother and father to be happy i want to see my friends i want to cry i want to scream i want to vent this frustration i want to watch csi i want things to go my way i want boyfriend to know how much i love him i want to tell my friend that he is making a big mistake by breaking a girl's heart i want to hug boyfriend i want to cuddle with him i want to be in his arms as long as i live i want to be boyfriend's everything just like how he is my everything i want to be his number one i want boyfriend to share everything with me just like how i share everything with him i want more money to spend i want a free-worry life i want to see my mother now i want to go as far away as possible i want to be alone i want to be with friends i want to eat i want to download more songs i want my friends to remember me always i want my friends to be happy i want my friends to share their happiness and their sadness i want A for every subject that i take i want people to understand i want mother to understand i want him to understand i want to shop i want to get out from this place i want to have lots and lots of presents i want to have the Madagascar headband that they sell at McD (but too stingy to buy one myself) i want to be someone else i want to be a boy i want to know what it feels like to be a boy i want to know what is going on in boys' heads i want to watch Kami The Movie i want to drink water i want everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to sleep

k bye.

pretense

just came back from shah alam last night.

no one warned about how i will feel emotionally drained and battered a few hours later. the thing that is not supposed to happen, happened, again, for the 2nd time. it hurts so much and i dont even know how to express it in the first place :( this is so not me

GAHHH!! get me out of here please!

dont let it burn, dont let it fade

you know im such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your fingers
do you have to let it linger?

his smell is so addictive and everytime i smell a whiff of his shirt or his hair i melt like like like.. i dunno...... but thats not the point. the point is, we often had a fight and the same thing happened over and over again and when he said he's sorry i realized that i deep in my heart i know it wont be the last time. SIGH!!!!!!

life is so hectic right now i can barely take a break and stop to look around at what really matters.

and our Transportation lecturer is certainly out of his mind because he gave us 4 assignments and a lab report (all in one day) to be submitted within these 2 weeks.

sometimes i feel like i dont have enough air to breathe and i have to inhale deeper just so that i wont feel suffocated (literally). mayb all those feelings that ive kept by myself has moved to my nostrils blocking my nose (what the hell? haha)

honestly, im not fine and i dont think i will be for these few days. an apology or just seeing him or touching his face or sleep for the whole day or eat as much as i want just dont cut it anymore.

okla bye.

**updated : apparentlyyyy ALL of our lecturers are out of their mind because they seem to have the idea that there are 30 days next week so they gave us assignments, tests, and projects all to be submitted or done by next week. HOW FUN IS IT EH?!!!

there is something wrong...

when the one that often makes you happy and smile everyday is not your own boyfriend.

all i can do is try

to be frank, ive opened the editor to update the blog quite a number of times already, but ended up closing the browser everytime without updating anything. is this what they called the writer's block?

eid is near, (almost) everyone is excited to go back home, some even had gone home before the holiday starts. to me, its the same every year, same gathering (not that i mind), same food, same people.. ive been getting more and more messed up lately i dont even know what had been making me sad anymore. the hectic weeks are over for now, now that the holiday is starting, but the lecturers also dont miss the chance to give us as many assignments and homeworks as they can. i wonder if they know what's the meaning of holidays, or mayb these utp lecturers never really had holidays so no wonder la they give us piling assignments kan, tension jak!!!!!!!!!!! huh

i only drank a mug of cereal drink and glasses of warm water for sahur. getting lazier to prepare food for sahur by day. i remember when i was at home, i used to complain that i have no appetite to have sahur meals even if at that time mother had prepared fried chicken, some veggies, and a little bit more but i still didnt have the appetite to eat. but now that im here, i realized how i really miss mother's food and how i really should appreciate it when it was there right in front of me huhuhuhuhu :( whats that saying again? about people taking granted of what they have blablabla.... oh, you dont even know what you got until its gone. thats right

my flight to kuching is not until tomorrow, i have more than 24-hours to settle everything in utp before i go back home, and why am i not excited to go back home this time..? -_-"" eid this year is going to be a lot less fun, what with some friends not going back and the short holiday.

seriously..... i have no idea what else to write. bye

persoalannya kini,

sampai ble ku mampu bertahan
Mampukah ku bertahan?

Nampak ketara kah dilema diwajahku
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu
Nampak ketara kah dilema diwajahku
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu

Beginikah selalunya cinta
Diakhiri sengsara
Setelah dicurahkan semua
Cuba ku dalami
Sampai termimpi2
Namun apa yg ku jumpa
Semua nya sama

Nampak ketara kah dilema diwajahku
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu
Ini semua dugaanNya

Hujan - DugaanNya

if i were to choose between loving someone unconditionally and not being able to love anyone else other than my family and friends, i would choose the latter.

so kawan2 yang single out there, why do you want to love if you know love will hurt you so much? u guys are better off being single, trust me, no need to find true love.... coz there aint no true love.

once u fell in love you better be prepared for the pain ok!! dont tell me i dont warn you!!

anyway, i finally get to drink iced lychee!!!!!!!!!! (thought of eating ABC too, and ice creams... but probably thats too much) sedap, but i have to get ready for my tonsils to be swollen again this time (and no whining) teeheeeeee

p/s : good luck to my chubby little sister for her UPSR examination tomoro.

you have no idea

what would u do, if the time has finally come for u to get what u have always wanted (since 2 years back) but u didnt get it? if u were given the hope of getting it, but in the end u didnt get it instead u are reduced to nothing? and knowing that its the last chance for you to get it, knowing that at that time your hope of getting it is already bigger than ur heart. u wanted it more than everything and yet the hope was crushed in front of ur very eyes.

long story short, ive been wanting to be a part of the high committees of this club, UCITY (stands for UTP Civil Engineering Student Society) so i attended an interview session and ive been shortlisted to be one of the candidates running for the treasurer post. but at the meeting during selection last night i didnt get selected, they have a very peculiar way of choosing the hicoms; letting everyone to vote on who gets to be the president, the vice, the secretary and the fuck treasurer. most of the people who came for voting are not from my batch or my class or wherever fuck theyre from, so obviously people wont choose who they dont know la to be their leader, i admit even i myself wont choose someone who i dont know.

at first i blamed it on everyone, everything for what had happened. i blamed my classmates for not coming and supporting me, i blamed the people for having a cruel system on choosing the hicoms, i blamed everyone for my failure and most of all i blamed myself for giving in on hope.

being myself, i quickly throw away the thoughts bcoz i think it is really selfish to blame anyone for this bcoz this is what I wanted, its not what THEY wanted, so why do they have to give a damn? and being myself, after the failure, i felt so crushed, but i pretended on being okay with it, smiling and laughing with my friend until i wanted to puke and vomit. yeah, u read this right, i hate hypocrites, but im a good hypocrite myself. i even managed to lie to myself that i really was feeling fine for a moment lol.

luckily i dont get to stay there very long, bcoz the energy was drained out of me slowly i was scared that i dont have more energy to pretend anymore and to smile like i always do, bcoz if i act like what i really felt people would feel sorry for me and i hate that, i hate the way people look at you and the look in their eyes when they feel sorry for you; what i saw in their eyes are like oh-im-so-sorry-for-you-being-a-loser.

yeah, they dont need to do that, i feel like a loser already.

after the whole thing was over, me and sayang went out, bcoz i can already feel the tension like something is going to snap inside of me.

seriously, i almost thought i was already feeling fine what with sayang around me but then he hugged me knowing that i was not fine eventhough i looked fine. i suddenly burst into tears, it seemed like i cant handle the disappointment, i felt like dying, i felt like running away, i felt all the horrible feelings people have ever felt. ive never felt so horrible ever since after the time when i broke up with aziz, it was like the nitemare repeated itself for the second time only this time i lost what is never mine, i felt like such a loser, i felt like i cant face the whole UTP again.

it was 3 am when i got back to my room, i already took more than a couple of pills and tried to sleep after that but i couldnt. the whole thing kept on repeating itself over and over, and the voice in my head kept on saying 'wani is a loser.. a loser.. a loser.....' i thought im going crazy and took some more of the pills until in the end i can sleep. slept like a baby anyway bcoz i woke up at 1pm the next day.

u people might be thinking, whats the big deal with being a hicom anyway?

whats the big deal...?? whats the big deal u say...???? of course it is a very big deal for me bcoz its what i wanted since u guys are ever born into the world!!!! at least, it was, up until the time that i was not chosen...... i was not even chose to be the executive committees, sheesh, i was chosen to be a nobody only.

dont get me wrong, i feel better already tho i can still hear the mad voice saying that im a loser at times until i feel like throwing the things that i was holding. i know i'll get over it completely over time, i just dont feel like facing life right now, i hope people understand; tho there's only slight chance that they would understand. whatever. i already closed my heart from hope (u will never get thru again, hope!!)

i know what are you guys thinking.. im fucking fine already okay??

okla seriously, i think i really am going crazy....

yeap, im done here. let me crawl back under the duvet where no one and nothing can hurt me anymore...

p/s : im grateful for my friends and loved ones nonetheless for never giving up on me. huhu

ok, really done.

you have no idea

what would u do, if the time has finally come for u to get what u have always wanted (since 2 years back) but u didnt get it? if u were given the hope of getting it, but in the end u didnt get it instead u are reduced to nothing? and knowing that its the last chance for you to get it, knowing that at that time your hope of getting it is already bigger than ur heart. u wanted it more than everything and yet the hope was crushed in front of ur very eyes.

long story short, ive been wanting to be a part of the high committees of this club, UCITY (stands for UTP Civil Engineering Student Society) so i attended an interview session and ive been shortlisted to be one of the candidates running for the treasurer post. but at the meeting during selection last night i didnt get selected, they have a very peculiar way of choosing the hicoms; letting everyone to vote on who gets to be the president, the vice, the secretary and the fuck treasurer. most of the people who came for voting are not from my batch or my class or wherever fuck theyre from, so obviously people wont choose who they dont know la to be their leader, i admit even i myself wont choose someone who i dont know.

at first i blamed it on everyone, everything for what had happened. i blamed my classmates for not coming and supporting me, i blamed the people for having a cruel system on choosing the hicoms, i blamed everyone for my failure and most of all i blamed myself for giving in on hope.

being myself, i quickly throw away the thoughts bcoz i think it is really selfish to blame anyone for this bcoz this is what I wanted, its not what THEY wanted, so why do they have to give a damn? and being myself, after the failure, i felt so crushed, but i pretended on being okay with it, smiling and laughing with my friend until i wanted to puke and vomit. yeah, u read this right, i hate hypocrites, but im a good hypocrite myself. i even managed to lie to myself that i really was feeling fine for a moment lol.

luckily i dont get to stay there very long, bcoz the energy was drained out of me slowly i was scared that i dont have more energy to pretend anymore and to smile like i always do, bcoz if i act like what i really felt people would feel sorry for me and i hate that, i hate the way people look at you and the look in their eyes when they feel sorry for you; what i saw in their eyes are like oh-im-so-sorry-for-you-being-a-loser.

yeah, they dont need to do that, i feel like a loser already.

after the whole thing was over, me and sayang went out, bcoz i can already feel the tension like something is going to snap inside of me.

seriously, i almost thought i was already feeling fine what with sayang around me but then he hugged me knowing that i was not fine eventhough i looked fine. i suddenly burst into tears, it seemed like i cant handle the disappointment, i felt like dying, i felt like running away, i felt all the horrible feelings people have ever felt. ive never felt so horrible ever since after the time when i broke up with aziz, it was like the nitemare repeated itself for the second only this time i lost what is never mine, i felt like such a loser, i felt like i cant face the whole UTP again.

it was 3 am when i got back to my room, i already took more than a couple of pills and tried to sleep after that but i couldnt. the whole thing kept on repeating itself over and over, and the voice in my head kept on saying 'wani is a loser.. a loser.. a loser.....' i thought im going crazy and took some more of the pills until in the end i can sleep. slept like a baby anyway bcoz i woke up at 1pm the next day.

u people might be thinking, whats the big deal with being a hicom anyway?

whats the big deal...?? whats the big deal u say...???? of course it is a very big deal for me bcoz its what i wanted since u guys are ever born into the world!!!! at least, it was, up until the time that i was not chosen...... i was not even chosed to be the executive committees, sheesh, i was chosen to be a nobody only.

dont get me wrong, i feel better already tho i can still hear the mad voice saying that im a loser at times until i feel like throwing the things that i was holding. i know i'll get over it completely over time, i just dont feel like facing life right now, i hope people understand; tho there's only slight chance that they would understand. whatever. i already closed back my heart from hope (u will never get thru again, hope!!)

i know what are you guys thinking.. im fucking fine already okay??

okla seriously, i think i really am going crazy....

yeap, im done here. let me crawl back under the duvet where no one and nothing can hurt me anymore...

everything changes

to anyone; who find themselves still unable to mend their broken heart

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

taken from; everything changes - staind

im not complaining, but-

me taking painkillers is more regular than u changing ur underwear everyday.

is there more to life than this?