bercahayalah selamanya

tunjukkan ku bulan gerhana
tiada siapa nak ku jumpa
pedih yang tiada ku sangka ada
oh tak mengapa
tak mengapa;

butterfingers - mati hidup kembali

ive been listening to this song over and over for the past 2 days. BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u shud listen to it too.

nothing new except that finally i got my driving licence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha those jpj or police suckers cant give me summons anymore because i can drive legally now!! so happy :)

went to the driving test last thursday, i dont know why i was less nervous than i was during the pre-test (when my left leg shook like mad bcoz i was so nervous, made it kinda difficult for me to drive, ala pre-test jak pun). hehe but over all the test was fine, the jpj officer that evaluated me was so passive, she (yes, she) the only thing that she talked to me is about asking for my signature and my full name.

i dont know why but i kinda feel tired of everything, i barely did anything except for going out to ipoh with my friends yesterday (and sleep, and eat, and chatting, and listening to music, mostly sleep). i didnt even do the assignments that has been piling up ever since. even when my boyfriend is mad at me, i feel tired that i dont know what to do cept for sending him an apology thru the sms.

i cant have access to the facebook since last few days, and yet i can have access to my blog, the elearning portal, my boyfriend's friendster, other people's blogs.. sometimes i feel like talking to someone badly but i dont know who to talk to, who will understand, wanted to send a msg to dena on the facebook, but cant even access the facebook website so how lor? :(

sometimes i feel like living in utp is like living in hell, the name is UNIVERSITI TEKNOLOGI PETRONAS but the internet connection here is very slow its like the internet from the stone age!!!!!! nama jak teknologi but the technology here sucks!!

i already start to whine like mad again, am i.

talking about hell, i once read about the hell having sub-hells, its like u have 7 rings of hell. the 1st ring is where u receive the littlest punishments, well mayb like you have to run without your feet and eat shit something like that, and the degree of the punishment gets higher as the numbers go. so the 7th ring of hell is like the most horrible place mayb, what with you being frozen (and naked) and not able to cry at all because when you cry your tears will be droplets of ice because the place is so cold or some kind of horrible punishments that even us humans cant imagine. i guess utp is like the 4th ring of hell, but with my friends and boyfriend with me it made utp move to the upper ring of hell, mayb 3rd? but muslims are not supposed to believe this, i guess. hehe

i was supposed to wake up earlier around 7 am but i went to bed only at 3am so i slept like a log and when boyfriend called to wake me up i didnt wake up and he was mad. i promised him a breakfast today huhu im so sorry sayang..

then when i woke up its already 830am and i was like shit, he must be mad having to wait for me for 3 hours huhuhuhu. but i cooked breakfast for him (and his roommate) and my roommate immediately nonethelss, coz i promised him already and i hate to break promises that i made. i made scrambled eggs, chicken ham and cheese sandwich and fried beef frankfurters which turned out to be wavy after i fried them (arent hot dogs supposed to be straight in shape?), hell, it would be better if i boil them but i was in a rush coz i want to give it to him but i know he wont want to see me so how am i going to give it to him? so in the end i gave it to his roommate instead huhuhu... but then what can i do, it was my mistake after all i have to deal with it.

(a small voice in me said; but i cant sleep last night because my tonsils felt very painful, he should understand why i stayed up and at least show some sympathy because im sick yadayadayadayada *slaps self*)

ive been feeling excited about this person, (which i probably should not) but it has been so long since i feel like this about someone, its a nice feeling and i cant help but to say he's cute! :P. dena or nora or atul would understand sigh

anyway, my parents were in town yesterday, and i was like why didnt they visit me here?? utp is only 3 hours away. well, maybe i should not bother them just to see me huhu..

me : can u come visit me here please? (i cant believe i have to beg them to visit me)
mother : we cant dear, we have something to do before we get back home
me : but i want you guys to meet my.. umm... friend......
mother : who? your boyfriend is it? you dont need to have a boyfriend now dear, why dont you just concentrate on ur studies for the time being..
me:...... (what the hell was i thinking when i said that, i know my mother wont be interested in my love life now)

so you see, boyfriend and i have a serious relationship, we planned on our future already (sikit2) and who cares if he is not from sarawak.... imagine if i tell my mother that

possible situation 1

me : mother, ive already found someone who i want to marry and live with someday. he's from......
mother : what!!!! you're still 19 and you want to marry already???
me : not marry now la mother, im just telling.....
mother : dear, you just focus on your study now okay, you dont need other distractions i want you to get higher gpa next sem, remember you already promised me!
me : alright, mother........

possible situation 2

me : mother, ive already found someone who i want to marry and live with some......
mother : shush shush shush, im not accepting this nonsense, you are still a student!
me : .......

well probably this wont happen coz mother always listen to what i have to say first hehe.

possible situation 3

me : mother, ive already found someone who i want to marry and live with someday. he's from johor.....
mother : he's from johor? why do you have to find someone so far? ive told you that once you're married i want you to stay in kuching, so you have to persuade him to stay here and live here (more like migrate to kuching terusssss)

(but.... but..... but..... his mother said to him that once he's married he have to live in mersing, so how? ha ha ha..... nvm mayb we'll live some place else other than kuching or mersing, that way, everything will be fair)

me : ........... (worried already) haha

but its a long way to go, so we dont have to worry about that.

ish, im tired!!!!!!!!!!!!! want to be with my bantal busuk now. bye

so many had happened,

then i feel like updating here, so i click on the new post button but suddenly........................

i... dont............ f..e..e..l..... l..i....k.....e....... blogging.

suddenly feel malas.

heart this guy so much. xoxo!!!!!!!

to take one step at a time

Got this from syara.

How sun signs differ by gender (actually i dont know what this means)

Mine
The Sagittarius Female can light up a room, simply by stepping in to it. Charming, witty, outgoing, and hilariously fun, this woman may not be sure in what direction her life is going, but she will make the most of scenery along the way! She is independent and impulsive, and her idea of romance is a week-long adventure - but you can bring champagne and roses if you want to. She is attracted to active, intelligent, and optimistic lovers who thrive as much as she does venturing into the unknown. She can make an insult sound like a compliment, and to her, "apology" is some foreign and undiscovered word. You may not know where the Sagittarius female is going, but fun and chaos will mark where she's been.

Bf's
The Gemini Male is an introverted extravert. Charisma, humor, and intellect may be the image he projects, but no matter how close you get - you can never be quite certain what is on his mind. He wants a partner who shows just enough emotion to validate that he is awesome, but not too much emotion that it will become complicated. He is seriously committed to remaining uncommitted, unless he stumbles across a super-achiever who can keep up with the conversation, reach their own goals without his assistance, and be packed and ready to go on an adventure at the drop of a dime. That, in his mind, is an amore worth considering.

hehe. just for fun :) quite true tho for the boyfriendpart :P dunno if mine is. well then, who am i to argue? :P

UTP Symphony Fest 08 and UTP V3 Grand Dinner

grand dinner v3 (theme : cultural)







symphony fest (not boring pictures)

cute drummer......... but so far awayyyy sigh

symphony fest (boring pictures)




more symphony fest 08 pictures here

may you have a wonderful life forever and ever

i went to the doctor today hoping that with some luck i'll get some sleeping pills. but the doctor borrowed me this instead;


yea... you got it right, the title is Kemurungan (depresi) ialah sejenis penyakit. and i do feel depressed today coz i thought my boyfriend hates me.

I..... honestly never thought of reading such book, but when i read it, the details and the symptoms are so.....!!!! aaarghhh how come a happy go lucky person like me can be depressed?? even my friends didnt believe me at first and laughed when i showed them this book.

yala, i DID mentioned about being depressed sometimes but i never thought it wud be this serious.

no wonder ive been having chest pains all these while my depression is getting worse. the doctor said i shud take no more flu pills and try to overcome the depression myself. and try to eat healthy foods and try to sleep early and exercise (which ive started this evening, gone jogging).

everytime i feel some kind of emotion that triggers my heart to pump faster (sad, or nervous for instance) i'll almost immediately feel the pain in the chest physically which is so annoying bcoz it means that i'll have the chest pains almost all the time!! and if it gets worse i'll feel like the blood rushes to my head and i'll instantly feel hot and cold at the same time. sheesh. and i thought it was the flu pills that caused me to feel that way.

and he said that all of this comes from my mind, my thoughts which i have to banish them, the negative thoughts i mean. but seriously, my last doctor said the same thing too, and my mother.. but i dunno how to overcome it, in the book it mentioned some ways to overcome it, but mostly in the end it involves taking anti-depressant pills.

hu. dont wanna be sick. hate being sick ):

i miss my mother.

i'll find you, i promise

Somehow, I get this feeling I am always alone, no matter who is around me... Somehow, I always feel left out... Somehow, I feel the air cold on a warm Sunday morning... Somehow, I just feel so empty inside... Somehow, I feel my heart beating so quickly... Somehow, I don't seem to have a true best friend... Somehow, I always felt better without anyone around... Somehow, I now feel that I had enough. Someone, find me, please......

copied this from a friend's status message, he sounded so sad it touched me, but then again, it is kinda unappropriate to put what you're feeling on your instant messenger status message isnt it? status message is not the place to pour your heart out, they say.

its 0310 hours, and i cant get to sleep yet despite the long day full of activities which makes me tired but this is the first night i dont take my pills, i find its hard to sleep eventho i feel very tired (i ran out of pills!!!). i hate staying up late at night, and being alone, bcoz being alone makes me feel so mellow, so alone, so sad, so negative but i cant get to sleep early either, thats why i have been taking these pills.

people have always ask me why do i take these pills, but i cant explain to them about how i feel, how i cant sleep at night, how im afraid of being alone at night, so i told them that im sick which sometimes i really am. easy peasy

you can imagine how i feel, bcoz i always whine here when i feel bad, bcoz whining here seems easier than telling how i really feel to people.....

and its harder to tell people why i'm mad at my boyfriend bcoz he used THAT tone, to talk me, in front of his friends, my friends, which always makes me feel embarassed, bcoz other people's boyfriend dont talk to their girls with THAT tone. THAT tone, that sarcastic harsh tone you sometimes use when talking to your friends but not your girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ):

how do you suppose i tell someone about that and they'll just say "oh relax la wani, he's always like that"

yeah right, even with his girlfriend??? i hate him. i hate him but i love him. huhu

my playlist for tonight :

1. The Clientele - I Can't Seem To Make You Mine
2. Cat Stevens - Wild World
3. Alanis Morisette - Uninvited
4. Nitrus - Sisa
5. Dygta - Seperti Pelangi
6. Buckcherry - Sorry
7. Mariah Carey - Bye Bye
8. Butterfly Boucher - Never Leave Your Heart Alone
9. Agnes Monica - Matahariku
10. Coco - Mengintai Langit
11. Nidji - Jangan Lupakan
12. Judika - Bukan Utk Dimengerti
13. Coldplay - Fix You
14. Leona Lewis - Better In Time
15. Andra & The Backbone - Musnah

and a longer list of sad songs. you'll be saying, oh no wonder this kid is depressed.

which is fine with me!!

goddd, this chest pain is really annoying. it happens a lot lately, especially when i feel bad (almost always when i had a fight with my boyfriend lol). and NO, i dont smoke, at least not anymore, at least im only thinking about doing it when im bored but usually i pushed aside the thoughts, but nights like these... ah.

im thinking of calling someone to talk, but... nope, dont feel like talking.

yeap, im officially em... crazy? whatever. oh ya, i went to UTP's Symphony Fest, well, it was, quite amazing. the performances i mean, i never thought utp has a team of orchestra players who are so talented. had tons of fun taking pictures, which i guess we never failed to do everytime :P

will post the pictures later. edit sikit2 lok. hehe. okay, im going to find something else to do other than ranting here. nite peeps

tak seindah mimpi

something's wrong with my blog but i cant be bothered about it.

anyway.

name 10 person to do this survey.
answer this survey honestly.

i will, *cross fingers*

1 ) Are you allowed to have a bf/gf?

- eh.. i guess

2 ) Describe urself in one word

- unappropriately loud oops already 2 words

3 ) Who would you pick, someone who really loves you, or the one you love?

- someone who really loves me!!! for sure

4 ) Have you ever really liked someone BEFORE but never had the courage to tell him/her?

- yeahhh... thought he wud never like me back so i didnt tell him then i gave up on him then later on i found out that he liked me too haha..

5 ) Does it feel good to love?~

- yeah (:

6 ) God is giving u just 5 more minutes to live, IF you love someone special what will you say to that person?

- dont you dare to go find anyone else!!! i love you so much u have no idea how much!! ok then goodbye

7 ) What will you say to someone who doesn't want to believe you??

- say nothing at all, why waste my energy talking?

8 ) Was ever a time that you tried to learn to love someone?

- yeah. failed for the first time tho

9 ) What's your opinion about someone who's jealous?

- hehe. normal (terasaaaa)

10 ) What can you say about playboys/playgirls?

- what goes around comes around la


THE - Part 2


1 ) Best place to cry?

- his shoulder, or on my bantal busuk

2 ) Who do you love the most?

-family and friends

3 ) Tell us ur dream las night?

-i was kidnapped. got lots of nitemares lately

4) Ever hated someone so bad?

-yes. tried not to, cant be helped tho

5 ) The biggest & most hurtful lie you heard?

-hm, pa oh. dunno.


THE - last person


1) had a beer with?
-

2)went to the movies with?
-nora n sepul

3)talked on the cell phone with?
-sayang

4) u hugged?
-sayang

5) u yelled at?
-a friend


in the last week have YOU


1) Kissed sumone?
-

2)Sing/sung/song?
-yes

3)Danced crazy?
-no


1)think of the last time u were angry, why were u angry?
-i waited for sayang to have dinner together, but after i waited for 3 hours, he said he's gonna have dinner with his friends and have a meeting after that, at that point i was very hungry and sleepy and tired and i said to him why didnt he tell me earlier then i dont have to wait for him for so long just so that we can have dinner together, then before i know it, he's already waiting for me to have dinner together, and he bought secret recipe's walnut brownies for me and came to his meeting late just so that he can be with me... sigh. felt guilty for being mad at him after that


2)You will die in 3 mins. Last call?
-semayang. a lot.

3)If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
-to have my parents free from any worries, senang hati, bahagia and all

4)Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
-yeah, kinda silly come to think of it

5)Are you old fashioned?
-no

6) What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
-the latter

7)What things would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
-so many lol. (food, bantal busuk, family n friends, sayang, my studies, pills)

updated :
im tagging everyone on my link panel there. d:

pretty much the same

In my 19 years of living, ive learnt that there are many types of people. We cant exactly categorize them coz each individual are different. But this is what i came up with (only roughly) :

1. Blissful, ignorant people who can lie to themselves and everyone that everything is perfect in every way and there's nothing to worry about. This people are kinda selfish, with their empty head they can cause trouble for other people too and still think that it doesnt matter. But not many can be like these type of people coz it took guts to ignore important things in ur life that may decide ur future.

2. People who are devoted to their work or their studies and think of nothing else. Some decided to join this category because they think it is easy to deal with the tasks they were given rather than dealing with the problems of life. These people too; tend to lie to themselves that everything is fine as long as they dont think about it. The chances that if pushing themselves to the limit do not work, they'll find some other way to numb the pain out; take medications for instance. Everything is solved with pills. Which probably will have dysfucntional kidneys or have some kind of disease by the time they're 30 because of the overdosed meds. Enough said.

3. People who think and worry too much about everything that they practically start their day with lots of worries about who, when, why, what, everything and end the day the same way. They live throughout the day worrying about how other people think of them, are they dressed perfectly, or have they done their work according to deadline, or what they should eat, how much calories they burn off by jogging (insert number) miles today, how much money left in their bank account, whether their boyfriends/girlfriends are cheating on them, whether their friends still remember about them. From big matters to small matters. Practically everything.

4. Happy positive people that everything in their life is in place except for small matters that; oh i can solve this no problem! or small matter only it doesnt matter sure there's a way to get thru this! These people are very lucky, oh yes they do.

I guess im the 2nd type and a little bit of the 3rd. Ngee.

So which one are u?

counting the days

lesson learnt for today (or not):

1. jpj people is much nicer than policemen and u can almost ignore the fact that they gave u a rm300 compound ticket for not having a driving licence because of their niceness.

2. i will drive again no matter what jpj people say. my parents got no objections to it d:

3. never do your packing until last minute haha

4. thats all i guess.

byebye kuching.

ooh really

a few things to catch up;

-im not over the fact that im not as thin as before.

-i can barely fit into a size 4 jeans but bought a pair yesterday nonetheless.

-i want to be a size 4!!!

-going back to utp next week, cant wait!! excited gla!! seriously, i hope i dont hyperventilate in the flight because of excessive happiness.

-not that im happy to leave my family and friends in kch, but im getting bored already.

-i had dinner at a pizza parlour last night; alone, which felt quite pathetic and im never going to do that again.

-oh, and after dinner i went to parkson and its not even friggin 15 mins since i came that i purchased something.

-which makes me wonder, what's up with women and clothes? (and shoes... bags... perfumes... make ups... jewelleries...)

-mom and dad is out of town so it leaves us siblings alone in the house, which means partayyyyy! ok, im kidding, asking my 8 years old brother to strip off and belly dance would be enough. he's good at that trust me.

-tried to cal atul, but i cant reach her number, whats up with that?

-cant wait to see him! (:

.

shitty day. shitty kuching drivers. fuck them all

its not over yet

i usually dont like my own pictures but this one is kinda nice. credits to the photographer, pyah :D

had fun at Damai last weekend tho i only joined my friends the second day, been so long since i hang out with any of them that i realized that none of us had actually changed (except, maybe physically coz some of the boys had grown a tad cuter). more pictures here.

nothing much going on lately. i think last week is the most eventful week of my holidays. gosh, how boring. bila aku nak shopping tok.

im thinking of taking a holiday from my life. is that even possible? what if i want to have a holiday from my life forever. or sleep forever and never wake up. fuh, crazy thoughts are surfacing again. sometimes i wonder if i really am crazy. but crazy people dont admit themselves crazy. but i talk to myself sometimes, crazy people did it a lot. but crazy people dont drive. talk about driving, slow drivers driving on the right lane always piss me off. they make me feel like ramming into the butt of their car bcoz of their slowness, heck, some even drive 20kmh only!

i think driving alone is enough for me to swear more than a hundred times. byk dosa dah.

u know, when im alone at night and need someone to talk to, i scrolled thru the phonebook several times ending up in disappointment bcoz i cant find anyone to call. its funny that people are always saying, u're lucky u are so friendly and have many friends, but they didnt know the truth.

sometimes i need a cig badly and i only feel that when im really stressed but i know once i start again i wont be able to stop.

and i need my buddies badly.

and i know i need to stop when i intended to write a happy post but came out with a post full of whines.

if only you could see

"i feel so lonely sometimes"

"i want to make you feel better if i can, but i cant do anything while im away"

"i know"

she didnt tell him that she feels the loneliest when he is there but she feels like he is not all the same

as difficult as it sounds

funny how nowadays you get to eat ice cream for your breakfast when you're not allowed to when you're a kid. i used to be one where i kinda liked the idea of being a grown up and have control of almost everything in your life; sheesh how wrong i was.

now, being a grown up means you have to wake up knowing that you have these responsibilities that you just cant shirk off and having to decide for yourself and sometimes for other people too which may lead to disasters and having to worry about your body figure or how big are your chests or how much excess fat you have or how much money you have left in the bank account and wondering what exactly do you live for.

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a doctor or an engineer, or even enter a beauty peagent where i can sure win and be miss world 201(insert number here). now, i dont have the idea of what i want to be let alone to figure out who i really am......miss world indeed...... hahahah.

people always say that being a kid or a teenager always get you wound up in some kind of trouble and its because of their immaturity or that they can't think for themselves yet. but i dont think that grown ups have less troubles than those kids, its just that sometimes they solve it the easy way -running away from the reality.

yala, dont deny la you know it is true.

anyway, i guess i wont be complaining much about being a grown up as long as i can have ice creams every morning....

--

1.You're really upset; who is the first boy you went to?

- Kamal

2.If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?

- No. I wont want any awkwardness surfacing.

3.Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?

- Yeah.

4.Can you do a split?

- Hahah.... Dont ask.

5.Last person you texted?

- Sherip.

6.Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?

- Night

7.Have you been to New York City?

- No

8.Who is the last person you added to your contacts list in your phone?

- One of my father's employees

9.Do you have any expensive jewelry?

- No

10.Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

- Father

11.Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

- Yeah

12.Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?

- I guess, teehee

13.Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?

- Tadika Sedidik or is it Tadika Pedas? hahah

14.Have you ever tattooed anyone's name on you?

- Haha no.

15.Why is your number one on Friendster number one?

- Dont have a fs account

16.How many piercings do you have?

- Three

17.Which year has been the best so far?

- 2005, 2008 :)

18.Ever found more than a dollar in a random place?

- Yes.

19.Has anyone ever been more important to you than a family member?

- Em, no i guess

20.Last time you laughed really hard?

- Last night

21.Last text message in your inbox?

- Twitter

22.When is your next road trip?

- Em dunno yet

23.Do you know anyone addicted to any type of drugs?

- Yeah

25.Where is your phone?

- On this table

26.Do you know anyone by the name of Dennis?

- No

27.Where is your pet(s) right now?

- Dont have any pets

28.What type, colour phone do you have?

- White? Yg buruk mpun haha

29.What kind of phone do you have?

- Nokia

30.How many kids do you want to have?

- Ask Kamal

31.What color are your eyes?

- Dark dark brown.

32.What is the natural color of your hair?

- Black.

33.What are you doing tomorrow?

- Jogging.

34.Does a heartbreak feel as bad as it sounds?

- I guess so

35.What color is your hair?

- Black

36.Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?

- No.

37.What movie did you watch last time?

- Eh, dont remember hahah short term memory sorry lorr

38.Have you ever been in handcuffs?

- No.

39.Have you ever been to a strip club?

- No.

40.Have you ever been so drunk you couldn't remember the night?

- No.

41.If you could say anything to any one person, what would it be?

- Rindu..

42.Describe your life in one word

- Busy!!!!