it doesnt matter

things had been fine lately, except when there were times when i feel like someone else is making me happy more than boyfriend but thats not the point i was just being selfish and unfair thats all. teehee

i realized that ive been thinking too much. about anything, everything. thats why ive been kinda dramatic sometimes.... okla... emo la however u put it. the problem is i cant stop it. the thinking, i mean. i think of stuffs before i went to sleep, when im in the toilet, in class when i cant concentrate or when i walk alone, or whenever there is time to think. its good when you think about how to concentrate on your studies, or how to make your parents happy, or your boyfriend happy, but mine is the opposite. i think about why cant i be cleverer than i am now that im more hardworking than i was (i guess), why is a computer game so important to my boyfriend sometimes more important than me, how to save more money and eat less and about the scandals in the class (haha) and etc etc...

i think of mundane stuffs, the things that u shud not worry about coz there are bigger stuffs that i should be worried about but still that doesnt stop me from thinking. i had been thinking of taking lobotomy too, haha which is so ridiculous i know, but what else is there to stop this... disease? is this normal? or is it just me? or im just a paranoid girl with issues? more like mental issues i guess. hah.

whatever it is i feel like im on a rollercoaster ride, you know? i dont know how to elaborate it much further u figure out yourself.

oh about the test that i wrote about the other day? that night, i ended up closing the book with the same page that i opened earlier and went to sleep. the next day i went to the test totally unprepared, its like you are about to plunge into the deep sea with no safety jackets or whatsoever to save you but you cant do anything anymore now that you're about to jump already and you know you're about to die.........

well, the good thing is i didnt die in fact i was quite happy after the test despite the fact that im going to flunk it eventho the test was an open book test, the text book were not much of a help at all i felt like throwing the book to the floor and scream cibai!!!!!! but i know thats not going to help me get good grades so i just shut up and dealt with it anyhow.

and the reason i was not able to study for the test? i was thinking too much. (yeah, no wonder, i knowwww~~~~) i was like "work... too many workkkkk... which one should i start on first... so tired.. workkk... work..... so many work to doooo...." which made me do nothing at all.

so if anyone of you know how not to think too much for example, drink ginger ale ka, eat kfc ka, tell me. if ever it works i'll be so grateful :D